au·then·tic
/ôˈTHen(t)ik/
of undisputed origin; genuine; true; real
Why is authenticity such a buzzword in our culture?
We find ourselves in a world where many interactions with other people have gone from in-person to virtual. And this virtual/social media world has a distinct quality that the IRL connections don’t have; the ability to share edited content. Granted, in person, we can monitor what we say and wear makeup, and so on, but if you are even mildly perceptive, we can use our intuition to know what someone is going through when we meet them. In addition, face-to-face interactions are often longer. In contrast, social media comes at us in filtered blips, and we are constantly exposed to beautiful people, doing cool shit, buying new hot outfits, having SO MUCH FUN, or being SO SUCCESSFUL, or living their DREAM LIFE.
I speculate that people got tired of that shit because it made them compare themselves to seemingly “perfect” people and feel insufficient or inadequate. So naturally, now we are seeking something real, genuine, and original; ultimately, I believe we all just want to feel OK and loved as we are.
Authenticity became sought after, and the people trying hard to capitalize on the time we spend on social media caught on! So, all of a sudden #authentic posts filled our feeds and visual space. Yet, some of us still feel something is missing from the authenticity conversation.
I want to be authentic. After all, I have a deep desire to connect with others genuinely because otherwise, I feel empty, confused, and uncomfortable. I also want to be a safe space that tells others that they, too, are OK as they are.
I get people telling me they feel I am authentic and *real* quite a bit. And I have taken to heart to try to be as much of my unfiltered self in my relationships, public spaces, and on social media. It’s been a process that’s evolved as I have healed, reaching its pinnacle at my ripe young age of 38. I suspect this will be an ongoing process as I age and feel less of a need to be liked and desired. Time will tell.
Here are my top ways to cultivate an authentic life.
Five ways to cultivate radical authenticity
🌓 1. Commit to doing your deep inner work
To be able to be authentic, we have to know ourselves. How could I be authentic if I don’t know who I am? Unfortunately, our culture often does not value our unique selves. Traditional school, as an example, creates good conforming workers and kills creativity but does a poor job at fostering self-inquiry and individual expression. As an adult, it’s up to you to take matters into your own hands and find out who you ARE and what you value.
There’s certainly no one way to uncover more of your true self, but it all begins in the same place:
You make an unwavering commitment to doing your deep inner work.
“To know thyself is the beginning of wisdom.”
― Socrates
☀️ 2. Set an authenticity intention
You can look at two people’s seemingly identical behavior, which can appear the same from the outside. But, if you investigate their motivations and realize that one person is working hard to please their parents and another is working hard to realize their deeply personal dream, you quickly realize the power of the intention behind our actions.
When you get curious about your intentions, you can make significant strides toward living an authentic life by setting personal intentions that align with your genuine needs, desires, and dreams.
🎤 3. Learn to set boundaries and speak your truth
I find boundaries vital to being authentic because a considerable part of defining your true self is by what you do NOT tolerate. Therefore, being authentic is articulating who you are, what you believe, what you allow in your space, and what you need.
It’s easy to reduce authenticity to an outspoken and transparent person who shows up publicly as an unfiltered version of themselves. A more sophisticated version of authenticity is a person who is deeply in tune with what they want to share only with trusted friends and what to share publicly. It’s not just about bearing it all but about bravely showing up in the world with healthy boundaries.
I wrote an article about this recently. Read it here:
✍️ 4. Slow down and do life inventories
When we rush through life and live in the fast lane, the odds are high that we cannot process the interactions and events in our lives. Moving fast can lead to walking around primarily in our heads and becoming reduced to “human doers.” Living like this does not create the optimal condition for your authentic self to thrive.
Your true self is an embodied and reflective self (see step 1) who has time to digest life and learn from it. Thus, we must find ways to slow down and be with ourselves. We can do this by being in nature and being in the present moment, frequent journaling, working with a therapist, speaking with a trusted friend, having an accountability partner, gardening, dancing, playing, or doing art.
You can also schedule regular life inventory dates with yourself where you reflect on your core values, who you are and want to be and how you are showing up in the world.
🔥 5. Become internally referenced and appoint an inner circle
During our teenage years, we constantly compare ourselves to others, and the fake social media universe threatens to keep this going in our adult lives. But the fun part of aging is getting to become internally referenced. Ultimately, this practice requires repetition and diligent tending for many of us.
I’ve also found it helpful to decide WHO gets to have a say about me. So I’ve picked out a selected council of friends and family members that I listen to for feedback. Their options matter to me because they KNOW me and have for years, and I trust them and their judgment.
When people outside of that circle have opinions about me, I take it less seriously, and in the case of internet trolls, I give it zero value. This way, I stay open to feedback but am not constantly being swayed by the projections of others. Did I mention this takes practice? I fail at this when my inner child wants to people-please to be safe (love you, little Karna!), but it helps to have set these parameters and guidelines when I end up in the comparison and judgment swamp.
✨Some questions for reflection✨
Do I take regular dedicated time to reflect on my life?
If not, when can I begin to put time on my calendar for self-reflection? At least once per week.
What values matter to me?
Are there places or people in my life with whom I’m operating outside of these values?
What small steps can I take to begin setting boundaries in these areas or with those people?
Am I living at a pace where I can be deliberate with my energy, time, and attention?
Is there anywhere I am moving too fast and not having time to integrate my life experiences?
How can I take a small step toward slowing down? (Consider removing things from your calendar.)
Make a list of your core trusted group of people who gets to have an opinion about you.
Make a conscious declaration that you do not allow the projections of people who have not earned the right to have an opinion about you. (This includes anyone who does not treat you with kindness and respect, especially your family members.)
Our world is intense, and I believe it’s crucial now to truly live on purpose and do the necessary work to shed the beliefs and projections of our culture steeped in patriarchy and capitalism.
Let’s shift to operating from healthy individuating while also remembering our interdependence. I believe many authentic, self-actualized people can make the basis of a healthy community that lifts those around them and works together for equality and justice! I’m doing my part every day to make this vision a reality. How can you let more of YOU show up in your life – let me know in the comments.
If you found value here, consider sharing this article with a friend.
With love,
Karna 💜
Roe v. Wade
I’m writing this article on June 25th, one day after the overturning of Roe v. Wade. As an outspoken feminist, you can imagine my feelings about this. I had an abortion when I was 16. That was a pivotal moment in my life. If I had not been able to have an abortion, I would now have a 22 year-old child with a racist ex-convict. I would not have been able to marry the love of my life, and not birth my two incredible children. Safe abortions for women are a fundamental heath care right.
Know this: if you or someone you know need help accessing an abortion, please contact me at karna@karnalivnau.com and I will help you.
To read more about abortion rights I recommend these Substack articles from women I subscribe to:
I did not have an abortion. But I would have. by Jeanette LeBlanc
Our Bodies. Our Fight. (Here's a Space To Cry/Yell/Whatever You Need.) by Virginia Sole-Smith
Hope and Woe and Roe v. Wade by Talia Lavin
Resources
📙 Book & Healing Methodology: The Journey of the Empowered Heart by Katie Gray
📗 Book: It didn’t start with you by Mark Wolynn
📘 Book: The things your can see only when you slow down by Haemin Sunim
💻 Course: Boundary and Breath by Katie Stone
🖊️ Article: Why having boundaries doesn’t make you a bitch by Bethany Webster
🎧 Free Meditations: Fearless Belonging & Relaxing the Mind and Body By Katie Gray