Surrender.
Trust.
Presence.
Tapping into a Power bigger than myself.
These states of BEING were some of the biggest lessons I learned from birthing my children.
Regardless of whether you’ve birthed a child, a business, a book, or art – the lessons are similar, and there are cycles and levels that you have to go through. The process always asks a lot of you.
As I’m surveying the battlefield we call planet earth right now and taking stock of where we are collectively and individually, I’m being reminded to tap into the resources I cultivated during my children’s labors.
In my case, I was blessed to be able to birth to my children naturally at home.
(Before going any further I’d like to acknowledge that no two births are the same and all are of equal value. There is no comparison in birth in truth, but since women have been indoctrinated into always comparing themselves with others, it’s easy to slip into that pattern. But not today!)
What the ability to birth in my home afforded me, was to be very present with the whole experience because I was alone during long parts. My second birth was smooth as a baby’s butt and my midwife barely made it there, but the first one was where the REAL SURRENDER happened.
You can read Zoë’s birth story at the bottom of this email.
Giving up control
There really isn’t anything anyone can do to prepare oneself for the experience of growing a human, an organ (the placenta), and then pushing said human through a hole (the cervix) that first has to expand ten centimeters wide for the first time in your entire life.
The pain of the contractions and the transition of the head was so excruciating that I just wanted to disappear, run, or claw my eyes out.
In other words, a little bit like I’ve felt the past year…
What we are going through now is super duper challenging on so many levels. While one woman Dr. I watched on Facebook compared what we are going through as a “worldwide heart attack”, I’d like to compare it to giving birth.
You know, when I first heard the ideas around 2012 being the start of the Age of Aquarius and how the Devine Feminine was being reinstated here on earth I really didn’t stop and think about what that would actually mean for the world itself. I was like, “ - Oooh! Divine Feminine, sounds gorgeous and amazing”.
Because, looking at the world, I saw systems where men and male attributes and traditional traits were celebrated, prioritized, and rewarded while females (and other genders of course) were secondary, marginalized, and exploited.
In the patriarchal system, no one was winning. The dudes had (sometimes) been reduced to machines and robbed of their complexity, tenderness, and hearts. Women were (sometimes) carrying too much, contorted into small, shame and anxiety-ridden beings, and marginalized people were (always) hurt and hurting. No Bueno!
So yeah, I was down for the birth of Divine Feminine (or whatever you want to call it –dismantling of a patriarchal system, a New Age, returning to Love, Ascension process, restoring justice…etc) and was eager to see this energy embodied on earth.
But of course, this would require the old system having to evolve and change. And little did we know then that we’d find ourselves in a pandemic that would turn up the heat on everything and bring up all of our collective and personal fear-based programmings on FULL DISPLAY. But in the context of “Love brings up anything unlike itself for the purpose of healing,” we are right on the money.
Because, undoubtedly, the Love Revolution – the one where people learn to stop living in a fear-driven capitalist, consumer society is here. And now we have the opportunity to birth this new world together! The one where we actually care for the earth and each other.
ALL of us have a part to play and an aspect to birth. Some privately and some in our public work or expressions.
As we all know, once the birthing process has begun, you can’t really stop it. And it’s in full swing now!
So today I want to share 11 things that helped me as I was birthing my children that might be useful for you today.
I allowed myself to be where I was - that the process I was in was OK and purposeful even though I dind’t understand it.
I connected deeply to my breath and kept returning to it over and over again.
I deeply rested between contractions when there were moments of stillness and I took advantage of those moments and stayed present in them.
I knew that the pain had a purpose and didn’t make it bad.
I trusted my intuition about what I needed to do and what action to take.
I trusted that I would have something invaluable at the end that would make it all worth it.
I allowed it to suck. Really fucking suck.
I asked for help.
I surrounded myself with quality people who had a track record of kindness and excellence.
I connected with the power of my ancestors.
I ate high-quality food and drank nourishing beverages. (Privilege!)
These are the exact practices and mindsets that are helping me at this very painful and transformative moment of my life and maybe they will inspire you too.
Finding Beauty in Tragedy.
Realness moment.
As you know, all births don’t end happily.
Some labors are horrible and traumatic.
Sometimes the baby doesn’t make it.
Sometimes the mama doesn’t make it.
Sometimes the baby ends up in the NICU.
This is life. This can be devastating. This is part of the human experience.
The lies based on capitalist consumerism aren’t true. You can’t “get there” and be happy. You can’t own enough to make it forever. What happened in your life isn’t “your fault” for not being perfect enough. You can’t hate yourself into a life that feels good. Life isn’t “fair”. You don’t get to be in control. You don’t get to know what will happen. You can’t stop feeling your feelings sometimes. (You can stop identifying with them though, I am getting that recently in moments!)
The truth is, that sometimes it just hurts and the pain never really fully goes away. THAT’S OK. The way your life is OK. There are gifts hidden in everything and sometimes they take a reaaaaaally long time to reveal themselves. I’m talking generations sometimes. And Divine timing is a real thing.
What I’m saying is that I don’t think this is the time to try to escape or “change our state” or “think positive”. Rather it’s time to sink in deeper.
I feel it’s time to let ourselves be wholly and completely tenderized by life – maybe even break a little – and to let LOVE take us completely and let the light seep in through those famous cracks.
What do you think? I’d love to hear from you. 💜
Written with deep respect for the birthing process we are all in. I empathize with your challenges and cheer you on from my bedroom in the New Hampshire woods.
With tenderness for the people of the earth,
Karna
Zoë’s Birth Story
It begins
Early labor started on the night of the 11th, or so I thought. There was no regularity in the pattern, so it was basically just my body's way of warming up. My mind was like, “Oh yeah - it's on!” When I woke up with contractions on the night of the 12th, I was down for the birth happening soon, but I also knew from my classes that these early signs can go on for a while. But again, my mind was an eager beaver ready for action ”Come on baby, I've waited long enough already!!”
During the day my dear friend Elena came and gave me acupuncture and moxa to stimulate labor, then I told KB I needed to get out of the house to distract myself, so we went to the movies, Fantastic Four of all movies... As soon as I got into the dark room and reclining seats I passed out, to my big surprise! I woke up toward the end and I breathed through the increasingly stronger contractions. I was craving a few specific things, so we went to Whole Foods for Harmless Harvest Coconut water, Greek yogurt, and blueberries. The cashier was very surprised when she asked me “So…when are you due?” and I casually answered, “Today! I’m actually in labor right now."
Then we headed to the healthy restaurant Fresh Thymes for dinner, but I couldn't eat much really as I was really starting to feel weird, so we left early to get flowers for my bedroom.
It's funny that it dawned on me that I was going to give birth that night while I was waiting in the car for KB to bring the flowers back to me. Because I had seen them so clearly when I had visualized the scene of my birth in birth-class a few months earlier - the flowers were the sign to me that this was the day when I was really going to get to meet my baby.
When we got home with all the supplies I called our midwife who told me to call her when contractions were five minutes apart for one minute consistently for the duration of one hour, I hung up and told KB that and he was like ”Honey, it's been like that for the past hour!” So I called her back and she came around 9pm.
I continued laboring by my bed while KB and Lauri were setting up the space, lighting candles, bringing me all the flowers, filling the tub, and making sure everything was in place.
Around 10:30pm I heard my second midwife whispering downstairs and thought to myself ”I must be closer than I thought for her to be here...” until the next surge came and captured my full attention. I was trying to remember all the positions I had learned in class and trying them out, I found that nothing really worked as well as simply leaning over, supporting myself on both hands, on top of our bed. While swaying my hips back and forth and breathing and making sounds. I was amazed how little my amazing midwife interfered with my process, she would come in and check on me and say “You're doing great! “ And let me continue.
The ultimate surrender
Once KB had filled the tub, he came and joined me in the bedroom. Just having him there gave me all the comfort I needed to feel safe and held. As soon as he tried to touch me or make a sound, I had to tell him to stop as it interrupted the intense focus I had to maintain to stay IN my body, and on my breathing. He totally "got it" and kept holding space and encouraging me along. Between each surge, I plopped myself next to him on the bed and relaxed my entire being. Then up again, breathing, mooing, groaning, laughing. I called on all my female ancestors, helpers, Angels, mothers before me, my friends, God, Mother Earth...and kept repeating, “I can do this for as long as it takes to meet my daughter, as long as it takes”. Riding the waves, all the way to the beach, oscillating between pain, relief, euphoria, peace, fierceness, and stillness... Taking to my baby “Soon, we'll be together. Soon!”
As the surges got closer and more forceful, I met them with more focus, swearing in Swedish “Fan I helveteeeeeee!” Breathing rapidly until I could make the out-breath loooong. At one point, I remember throwing my head back and arms out surrendering to the forces taking me, carrying me, possessing me, energy coursing up from the earth and down from the Universe, meeting in my womb, connecting everything, and beyond.
Nearing midnight I said to myself, “I'll do two more contractions and then I'll ask Lauri to measure me”. I laid back on the red sheets we had bought for the occasion and Lauri reached up and let me know I was at 9 centimeters!!! I could have cried with joy, I felt like I would have died a little if she'd said 6cm or something like that. I said, “OK, now I'm ready to go into the tub”. At this point, I had had a few contractions where I felt like pushing, but I was instructed not to since I wasn't fully dilated yet. (Note to the reader who hasn't experienced this. Trying to hold back a pushing urge is similar to having diarrhea, sitting on the toilet, and having to hold it in... Not so awesome in other words.)
Water was the medicine I needed
Getting into the warm water felt like melting into a cosmic love pool of heaven.
In there I could meet the contractions with presence, slow breaths, and welcome them. “Hello, surge! Welcome! And you too fucker, welcome as well (said to the first contraction's more intense cousin.)” After an hour of laboring, I told KB and Lauri, ”She's coming...” And they realized the water was too warm for our little baby to arrive in. They started draining the tub with buckets and filling it with more cold water. I kept at it.
As everything in me shifted and I wanted to puuuuuush I got really, really scared. I started whimpering saying “I can't do this! I can't!” Now, my midwife didn't buy it one bit and started coaching me step-by-step. She was truly amazing and a complete lifesaver, after being totally quite and calm for hours she now stepped in with a calm assertiveness that I found hook into and follow when I get like I coun’t on my own. Some of the later surges got me so high and so calm, connecting with Zoë and God and my body, riding this huge wave of love and trust and surrender. I started talking to her saying “- Soon we will be together again. I love you so so much...”
I get to meet my daughter
As I was in the final stages of pushing I freaked out so much feeling her move through my pelvis I must have left my body. I somehow thought I had to push her out in one giant squeeze or, she'd go back in and I didn't want to have to do this one second longer than necessary. But, then I got the hang of it and listened to my midwife's rockstar coaching. Zoë's head was crowing when she asked me to reach down and touch the opening. The first time I could only feel the water sack she was in, as the water hadn't broken yet. Then it burst and I could feel the water rushing out into the pool. The next time I reached down, I couldn't make out what was what? But then I felt a little furry head! My baby!
I kept pushing and waiting for my body's cues. Now, part of her head was out, and she - or rather her head - was born just after 2am, but then she got stuck!! Lauri had me get on all fours but that didn't shift anything. She said get out of the pool. I obeyed.
Getting out of a pool with my half-born child between my legs will definitely go down in herstory as one of my biggest achievements.
Lauri instructed, “Get into a lunge!” I stepped forth with my right foot, and felt Zoë shift and start sliding out. I reached down and I caught her! Then I sat back and put her on my chest. We both looked at each other completely stunned. Here we are finally. Together again like we knew we would be. She was the most beautiful girl I had ever seen and her eyes looked right at me with this look that I'll never be able to explain or forget. My daughter was born. Welcome to earth Zoë Amaya Nau!
Lauri, our amazing midwife. Thank you for BEING with me (and KB) the whole time. The most extraordinary midwife I have ever known. I am forever grateful. 💜