Writing this article is the most vulnerable I’ve felt since I started this weekly writing project 12 weeks ago. I’ve kept pushing it off because the topic feels slightly overwhelming for me, not as “fully-baked” as the other topics I’ve written about.
Then I reminded myself that there are only 38 subscribers to this newsletter and 99% of them are close friends or relatives that I love. That made me feel safer. 🙃
In Swedish, there’s a well-used phrase called ”både och” which translates to “both-and” sometimes styled as “both/and”. It’s of course used for times when something is both this AND that or when you want both of something. Here in the great ol’ America it’s seemingly becoming more widely used as a concept and established as the path forward for humans in general as we heal the part and create a new future beyond the “either/or” paradigm. Or the “polarization” we’re experiencing now in the world.
“Out beyond ideas of wrongdoing and right-doing there is a field. I’ll meet you there.”
—Rumi
For me, the last part of the year has been a deep foray into holding what seems like extreme paradoxes in a sort of neutral space allowing for more than one thing to be true. And it’s been culminating during Christmas.
Never before, I and don’t use this language lightly, have I had to be with such extreme feelings of belonging, pure humility, and gratitude for the level of privilege I have in my life.
🚰 Running water - a miracle!
🥘 An abundance of decadent foods in my REFRIGERATOR - luxury.
💞 A man that treats me with care and respect who believes in me 100% - true partnership.
👨👩👧👦 Healthy children - a blessing.
🔥 A crackling fire in my house in the woods - sanctuary.
At the same time, I’m grieving deeply. There are so many people suffering around me or who are going through really intense transitions. And, personally, I’m in a transitional space too.
Years ago, my Acupuncturist friend Elena taught me about the element of winter, the cold and dark season, as a time of inward reflection, rest, and restoration. This is the first year of my life I have slowed down enough to understand what she meant. Throughout the last few days, feelings have been swirling around from joy, peace, gratitude, and also sadness, anger, confusion, and pain. And I’m just sitting with it.
Just sitting in it.
Breathing.
Not doing something or trying to change it.
Leaning back as and into my Inner Mother and saying: Children, come. Joy. Frustration. Peace. Sadness. Sit at my table - eat and drink of my presence.
Fuck if it isn’t the hardest thing I’ve learned this year–and still learning. And I’ve been in training for many, many years before now. My capacity for BE-ingness has grown, each step building on the one before it.
A seemingly endless line of macro and micro choices and moments. Building tolerance for being with discomfort and existential pain, suspending judgment, looking beyond surface trigger topics, releasing the need to control outcomes, setting uncomfortable boundaries, listening and obeying inner orders from inspiration that feels super scary, talking to and connecting with people that believe other things than me (Mormons, anti-vaxxers, and Trump supporters in particular), getting it “right” sometimes and totally messing up other times (but I probably don’t know which was what, come to think of it.)
All these life experiences have led to an ability to be with paradoxical elements, which to me ultimately IS the integrated and healed place from which love can flow freely for all. As I spoke with my friend Katrina yesterday, I feel like the truth is that my HEART has been healing.
And as much as I’ve tried to sort of squint and look away when it comes to focusing on the heart for years – I have now landed smack in the middle of heart-healing as the central matter at hand.
I think that’s all I have to share for today. I want to write a million things. And I’m tired. And I choose to listen to my limits and not push myself today.
But before we part ways, I have an invitation to you. Remember that field Rumi talked about above? Last night before I fell asleep, I made a fire there, in the liminal space, and I’ve saved you a seat.
So if at any point this week you feel like coming and sitting with me by the fire and just let all that you are experiencing just be. I’d love to be with you there. 🔥💗
Paradoxal heartbeats from the in-between,
Karna
Resources
Love Song by Elton John
Owning our Wounds is an Important Step in Owning our Power by Bethany Webster
Both/And and organization dedicated to: “Organizing for a just world where we dismantle white supremacist systems and shift material conditions for Black, Indigenous, People of Color.”
Both-And: Living the Christ-Centered Life in an Either-Or World by Rich Nathan and Insoo Kim (Talking about polarization in 2013!!!)
The Power of "Both-And" Thinking from Psychology Today
Embodying the paradoxical elements of being human in a breathtaking way, the book Broken Horses by Brandi Carlile (audiobook preferred!)
Atlas of the Heart by Brené Brown
Healing thinking through both/and logic, Buddhist and Jain logic
(Interesting thoughts, but not 100% vetted. An excerpt below.)
“…Another consequence of the so-called law of contradiction is the belief in the mutual exclusivity of good and evil. Accordingly, a person is good or not good (bad, evil), a relationship is good or bad, an organization is good or bad, a nation is good or bad, religion is good or bad, etc. Much harm can be done and has been done by such affirmations. Reference to the axis of evil by former president George W. Bush has poisoned international politics and relations. Not only is it an insult, it is also a distortion. Nations of the so-called axis of evil are not just evil, they are also good in many ways, and the so-called good nations are also bad in many ways. For example, the capitalist system in the United States and elsewhere has led to much greed and fraud and the worldwide economic crisis. If we could recognize that nations are both good and bad, all nations could connect, and this would heal the rift between the so-called good and bad nations. I do not want to claim that this would solve all problems, but it would provide a basis from which one could work more constructively, whereas the total condemnation of some nations creates antagonism and conflict that is not conducive to peaceful cooperation. The same can be said about personal relationships and relations between all sorts of groups and organizations.”