Sooo. Letâs talk COMPARISON!
Are you human? Then you be comparing. This is so very normal. But not so very helpful.
âComparison is the thief of joy.â
- Quote usually attributed to Theodore Roosevelt
As a reminder to myself and those who might need this, I thought it was time to dust off an old coaching tool I started using back in 2010 when I had just graduated as a holistic health coach.
Itâs called âFree Squares and Shit Sandwichesâ.
The premise is this:
In life, we are all handed free squares and shit sandwiches.
đ The free squares are things that come easy for you, or privileges you have, or things life gifts you without much effort on your part.
đ© The shit sandwiches are the things that have challenged you, trauma, limiting patterns, the things that has gone wrong, or otherwise horrible stuff.
What we humans usually end up doing is comparing our low points and shit sandwiches to other peopleâs high points and free squares.
As an example, you might be going through a horrible breakup and everyone around you seem to be on cloud nine with their partners.
This is such an intensely painful feeling. And if you are finding yourself at a low point right now, I am so very sorry for your pain.đ
At an all-time low-low
Last year I was at one of the lowest points of my life and I was so scared to go to bed because I didnât want to wake up at 4:30 am with debilitating anxiety. Everything was excruciatingly painful. Breathing felt like too much sometimes. I didnât know when it was going to end. I was in the âspace betweenâ, the âbardoâ, the point where youâve let go of the trapeze but not quite grasped the other bar. I didnât know what would come of the leap I had to make, I just knew with every fiber of my being I had to do it.
This is when being on social media became my absolute enemy. It was a reminder of all the people who were in a solid or âsuccessfulâ place. So I had to stop being on social media - especially Instagram. Even though my âfollower numbersâ keep dwindling, I am staying firm that it wasnât quite right for me to be there then and still isnât. Vanity numbers are seductive, but my mental health had to take a front seat during this time.
If you are comparing yourself to others, here are some tools and perspectives that may help:
đ Embrace your humanity - Weâve been brainwashed to believe that when we heal âenoughâ we will live in some sort of utopia. I tend to think life is way more complex and mysterious than that. I glean my insights from nature, which is much more cyclical and has âebbs and flowsâ.
đ Accept that life on earth is inherently painful at times - Having the ability to reflect on your existence is a monumental gift that can sometimes seem horrible. We can only process 40-50 bits of information a second so when we try to make sense of our own existence our brains can feel woefully incompetent. So we take shortcuts (like comparing), generalizing, and all sorts of other energy-saving brain behaviors.
đ The only thing that constant is change - Verily I say to thee âthis too shall passâ. We just donât know when. And the waiting and the wondering can also feel like too much to handle.
đ Take baby steps - Small steps and staying present are your best friends, no matter how rudimentary that may seem at times.
đ Get curious about yourself - What are the things that make you feel so good that you donât give a fuck about other people. I know you are tired from this bloody pandemic, I get that. (If you need some inspo I wrote an article about pleasure that might come in handy.)
đ Make a list - Are you a list nerd like me?? Either way, go collect the bright sports in your life and let them nourish you by simply placing your attention on them.
đ Acknowledge that your thoughts are not always telling you the truth - Slow down, go deeper with your thoughts and examine their origin.
đ Active âpositive discipline: - Turn off social media, donât talk to people who make you feel like shit, and work on your cornerstone habits: sleep, food, and movement.
đ Get perspective - When Comparison Connie comes to visit, ask yourself how much you know about this person if you donât have the full picture of their lives, vow to let the comparison go.
đ Simplify - Sometimes overwhelm leads to feeling like everyone else is doing better. Is there something you think you have to do that you can take off your list?
đ Allow yourself to exist as you are - Some people say to âonly compare yourself to youâ, but that might be equally painful if your past seems so much better than your current situation.
đ What makes you special? - Your flavor is unique to you. There is NO ONE on earth like you. Think back at ways you truly enrich the lives of others, animals, or even the earth itself.
Comparison as escapism
The lesson for me right now, after Iâve been able to assert that comparing myself is completely useless and does not produce any valuable result other than - and here is the kicker - distracting me from having to feel whatever is truly going on in my life.
Because ultimately comparison appears to me most as a form of escapism. I imagine that other people donât have to feel the sometimes agonizing pain of being human. Because LOOK how HAPPY they are in the photo! And it allows me to not have to feel what I donât want to feel.
Luckily, Iâve been alive long enough and spent time with all sorts of people and gone really deep with many of them to know, we all have periods of grief and pain and we all have beautiful and blessed times in our lives. And the trip is, we have NO CLUE as to when our happiest time in life will be. Even if we COMPARE ourselves with happiness research we wonât know - because who knows if we will die tomorrow or experience the most fulfilling and incredible life at 35, 68⊠or 90!
So what are we left with?
Some mindsets that might help
Being as kind and compassionate toward yourself in the present moment will always be a winning approach.
Even if you have to wait for longer than youâre comfortable with to get to a place where you feel happy and at peace, you will be able to SAVOR those states of being because you will know the contrast of darkness and pain.
In this most dark of times, youâre secretly growing in the most valuable currencies on earth: kindness, love, compassion, resilience, strength, and personal power. Imagine yourself as a diamond forming under pressure.
Dare to be vulnerable and ask for help, even from strangers if you donât have people close.
Fuck everything and just breathe in and out in radical acceptance of what IS in surrender.
In case itâs helpful. I wrote a love poem for you.
So you bloomed. đž
When things get very bad and the darkness gets so thick no light at all seem to be able to penetrate it.
If itâs that dark.
Imagine yourself a seed cocooned in the dirt, deep down in the ground.
And just by going through each day and being you, youâre growing toward the surface.
And one day, you donât know what day it will be, you break through the surface.
And moonlight is shining on you.
And then you spot a pink sunrise through the trees.
And you exhale.
And you keep growing.
Then, one day, you bloom.
Just like that.
And that day wasnât unlike this day.
It just was the day you were ready to bloom.
So you bloomed.
Love,
Karna
Resources:
Soshy Adelsteinâs Permission Podcast - How to stop comparing yourself to others
Dr. Kristin Neff - Free Self Compassion Exercises
Nancy Levinâs book - Jump and Your Life Will Appear (Probably not for Projectors in Human Design)
Brene Brownâs book - The Gifts of Imperfection
Thank you for writing this! I learned something new about the free square and shit sandwich, much needed to remind myself as well!
Free square and shit sandwiches is a total mood. Definitely using this!