Trigger warning: Self-hate and self-deprecation
I'm frozen in front of my computer screen. A cold hand squeezes my stomach from within, and I feel like I might throw up.
I've made a mistake. It feels like a big one. The voice of self-hatred and shaming is loud. Deafening.
"YOU FUCKED UP! How could you be so stupid? I can't believe you. You disgust me. Ugh."
My body is shaking slightly. I start spiraling. How can I fix this? I have to find a way. Should I lie? Downplay it? No, I will do what I most often do when I make a mistake. I will shrink into the useless piece of shit I am for making this mistake, crawl to my employer, tell them I messed up, and do whatever it takes to fix it. They don't have to pay me for the time it will take to fix it. I will take the fallout the best I can.
Safe in My Fortress of Perfection
This is a snapshot of my inner self-talk when I made a mistake in my past. It makes me sad to reflect on this now. I have so much compassion for that scared little girl inside a grown-up body.
My quest for perfection began early. First, it manifested as being a happy, fun, and good girl who was there for everyone. Then it morphed into an eating disorder. And later, I became obsessed with having perfect grades.
In my fortress of controlled perfection, I was safe. Nobody could touch me there. I could elevate myself to an intelligent, fun, kind, thin, successful person, and everyone would like me, and therefore I was secure.
I knew in my early 20s that perfectionism was a problem, but it wasn't until my late 30s that I could heal from it. In other words, this survival skill took almost two decades of dedicated healing to unravel, feel, and integrate.
There were a few things I have held myself in the highest contempt of:
Lying to my friends about having a boyfriend (age 10)
Having an abortion (age 16)
Not being able to fix my family of origin (ongoing)
These things damaged my perfect self; thus, I had to punish myself and work toward eradicating these "sins." Can you guess what my method was to absolve myself? You got it, MORE perfectionism! At 23, I found myself kneeling in front of my bed, pleading with God.
"God! I only eat raw, vegan food. I don't drink coffee or alcohol. I don't smoke anymore, I'm not having sex, and I journal daily. I am here in this family in Costa Rica, helping a child diagnosed with autism and seizure disorder. I pray and meditate every day. Please, take this pain from me. I cannot take it anymore. You have to help me."
Nothing. Silence.
I wept and resolved to be even purer and better. A few months later, I was attacked and sexually assaulted in the jungle. After spending a day at the police station and the hospital, I got home after midnight and showered. I looked down at my body in awe. I was alive! A warm wave of gratitude for my body washed over me. "You kept me alive somehow. Thank you, body."
At that moment, the memo dropped. God didn't need all this perfection from me. No, it was time to let that go. Thus, began the long and arduous road to healing my most well-rehearsed survival tool: Control and Perfectionism.
Becoming Love
It was one of the hardest things I have ever done. But I did it! Last Friday, I drove to the beach and threw myself in the waves. Afterward, I sat on a rock by the ocean and went over the long list of things I thought God rejected me for in the past. Next to me sat my pal, Yeshua (for the record, this is a very different person than Jesus of Christianity), and we looked at the list together.
As I went over the list one by one, I heard in my heart:
Lying about having a boyfriend - FORGIVEN
Having an abortion - FORGIVEN
Getting herpes - FORGIVEN
Not being able to fix my family of origin - FORGIVEN
I breathed deeply.
Then these words flooded my being.
"There never was anything to forgive. You were a child, doing your best with the shitty hand you were dealt."
In fact, you are always and have always been an innocent child of God.
This place is not meant for perfection. That only exists inside Love. Love erases all sin, all guilt, all existential pain.
This place is meant for experiencing, growing in character, depth, and humanity, and co-creating with the Divine.
Give your self-inflicted suffering in trying to attain perfection to the ocean now. And submit yourself to the redeeming, forgiving, restoring, purifying Love I AM.
And I obeyed.
I know I'm not alone in trying to control my way through life, and I wonder if you, dear human reading this, might have dealt with this too at times?
My greatest wish is for you to know how utterly brilliant, beautiful – and, above all, LOVED you are.
I know. There might still be a part of you that still doesn't believe this. And that's OK. I'll light a candle and hold that space for you until you know at your core that you are Love.
Smooches from my perfectly imperfect self to yours,
Karna 💜
I know all of our stories are different, but they're all so much the same too. Control and Perfectionism are cruel masters to try and please. This post really moved me. Sending you a BIG hug.
Beautiful. I love this, “This place is not meant for perfection...This place is meant for experiencing, growing in character, depth, and humanity, and co-creating with the Divine. Give your self-inflicted suffering in trying to attain perfection to the ocean now.” And I’m happy-dancing that you took that ocean leap.