How to go from fixing others to loving them (and yourself)

A way out of needing to hyper-control your life

Oct 30, 2021

The need to control what’s happening outside myself to feel calm on the inside.

As I walked toward the group of neighbors gathered by the big field by our house, KB came walking toward me and said “Quick warning about the Russian lady, she’s a big-time anti-vaxxer and pretty intense, just so you know.”

I took a deep breath and walked over and said “Hi!”. Immediately, the cute lady with a Russian accent started apologizing saying “I know I’m intense and have a lot of unpopular views, I think I upset your husband…” And then she dove into a 30-minute verbal journey ranging from Russian oppression to the Chinese absence of dead bodies being a cause for concern (there’s something they’re not telling us), to vaccines as a way of population control, to not liking Donald Trump before but now having had a change of heart… All delivered with passion, a kind of “scared excitement”, and intelligence.

If this had happened a few years ago this conversation would have sent my inner world spiraling. I would have felt a warm rage boiling and would have felt righteous anger. This person is WRONG! I am right. This is horrible! What can I say or do to fix this? I need to control what’s happening outside of me so I can feel calm on the inside again.

But this time, I could stay in my body. Stay open in my heart and not abandon myself.

I don’t know what’s happening for you right now. But for me and MANY people in my family and extended community, the consensus seems to be:

2020 was rough. 2021 took the pressure to new levels and the last few weeks have been excruciating at times.

So I asked myself:

What is the world asking of us right now? What is life demanding we understand as people on a spiritual path?

Here’s a nifty little list.

We’re asked to:

Learn how to practice deep self-compassion and healthy boundaries
Find a way forward in a polarized/crumbling “power-over” world
Face old patterns that were unhealed and moving toward integration and healing of them
Endure important relationships falling apart
Deep grief coming in waves, over and over again
Navigate being bombarded with super conflicting information
Forgive ourselves for our shortcomings
Forgive others for their shortcomings
Find meaning in a confusing new reality that feels scary and unknown
Coming to terms with how INCREDIBLY powerful we are and where we have given up our power
Uncover the privileges we have and how we will use our UNIQUE soul gifts to contribute to the world we’re longing to live in
Learn how to tune into the present and release the past

Just to name a few tiiiiiny things. No big deal...

JK. It’s super a lot.

On a personal level. I am being asked BIG TIME to give up trying to save or change people and stepping into trusting that my job is to: Love God/Life and Love me. So that through this loving relationship I have with my Divine source/self I can extend unconditional love to others.

Interlude: An internal conversation I’ve been having with myself lately.

Observer/Divine self: Karna, it’s time for you to stop your old survival pattern of trying to control or save yourself and other people.

Karna-self: What?! This sounds hard! You’re telling me that I should NOT try to fix, save or help anyone??

Observer/Divine self: Yes. That is correct. Although you will still help people. But it won’t be in the way you are used to.

Karna-self: Tell me more…

Observer/Divine self: Through your childhood experiences, you drew some (erroneous) conclusions:

My job is to make other people feel better.
I should use my energy to make sure that things outside of me are calm.
When I feel someone else’s pain - I should try and make it go away (at all costs).
I’m only safe when everybody likes me.
It’s my job to resolve tension for others.

This was a very smart thing for you to do as a child because these things worked then and helped you survive, but they are no longer working since you want to THRIVE and not merely survive anymore.

Now you are growing up into the truth which is: You cannot save, heal, fix, or take someone’s pain away for good. All those strategies were simply bandaids keeping people from having to do their own healing. And you got to be distracted from your own pain by being busy “saving them”. See the win-win survival strategy there?

Karna-self: OMG, I’ve freaking known this for YEARS but it didn’t fully land in my body until now. So… what is my REAL job again?

Observer/Divine self: You are here to use your choosing power and choose to not abandon yourself. To stay slow. Be in the present moment. To breathe. To listen. And take inspired action from your calm, loving heart space within.

Karna-self: What about helping others?

Observer/Divine self: You can still love others. You can believe in them. You can give your perspective when it’s requested. But most importantly: You can lead by example. When you stay in the Love you are. You show people a different way and they will pick it up by osmosis when they connect into your energy field. For those people who don’t treat you well because of their own survival patterns, you might need to assert some healthy boundaries.

Karna-self: Hmmm, this feels really good and really foreign at the same time. Thank you so much. 💖

Observer/Divine self: I love you. You’re doing great. Be kind to yourself.

OK, back to our previous conversation.

Here’s what that interaction with my new Russian friend showed me: All the work and surrender that I have chosen the past year (actually since my early 20’s) is paying off! Hallelujah!

Sometimes, I am now able to stay in the safety of the present moment and access the Love that I am.

Just touching on the reality that I can co-create from this place gives me goosebumps and also evokes that feeling of when you’re at the top of a tall cliff and slowly peer over the edge. You know what I mean.

(Sidenote, the Swedish word for that feeling is “svindel” but I can’t find a good equivalent in English. The dictionary gives me “dizzy” but that is just not the same thing!)

When I think about my old self and how I worked SO HARD to fix and control myself and others. Giving advice. Thinking I know what’s right and wrong and how things “should be” – I laugh (in that cry-laugh-🤦🏻‍♀️ kind of way).

I actually thought it would work if I only worked a little harder. Was a little better. Gave some more. Controlled more efficiently. Aaaaal….mmm...ooooo...sssst there now!

But alas, I have come to the conclusion that my way DOES NOT WORK.

I KNOW! SHOCKING! 😱

So now, there’s only surrender. Not knowing. Creating from the moment and believing in people.

Returning over and over again to the truth:

All is well (even though it doesn’t feel like it at the moment).
Love is here for us when we are able to breathe through painful feelings created by recurring patterns and situations.
It’s OK to go slow and allow things to unfold and not push or try to control the outcome.
It’s good to get help from others when things feel dark and hopeless. We all need each other.

Last note about life right now:

To tell you the truth, there have been moments in the past few weeks when I’ve texted my friends being like “I can’t do this. It’s too much. The world is insane. It’s all too painful”.

Today I woke up to my brother sending me a song that allowed me to tap into Truth and Love and a joyful vision of what’s possible for humanity — One Day by Matisyahu.

If you can spare the time, please join me by listening to this song and allowing everything to be OK for a few minutes.