How to know if you're codependent (even when you identify as a confident person)
My story with codependence/narcissism and best resources for healing ▶️
Oh man, this topic has been a doozy in my own life and I so deeply want to help others who find themselves in this situation.
The term codependent was first developed to describe the behavior of partners of alcoholics who displayed traits that enabled the addict.
These days the term codependency has a much more broad application. In its simplest terms, a codependent relationship is when one partner needs the other partner, who in turn, needs to be needed.
Finding myself in an extremely codependent relationship
I wonder if that’s why when I first heard about the term by an old health coaching client of mine named David who went to CODA meetings (Codependent anonymous) I was mildly interested.
I could see how he, with his people-pleasing and kind of meek personality, was codependent – but to think that the term applied to me or to dive into it more deeply – didn’t occur to me.
I was an independent, strong woman with good relationships and that was that.
NOT!
A few months after this experience, I began working for a friend of mine. Since I knew very few people in the US and she offered me a job, and she loved me dearly, it seemed like the right thing to do.
She was so fascinating. She was beautiful, incredibly intelligent, driven, accomplished, and had the same twisted sense of humor I did. We could talk about the meaning of life one second and “The Bachelor” the next and it was an exciting relationship.
I really wanted to make her proud, pull my weight, and do whatever I could for the friendship and business to do well.
Sure, she could have volatile outbursts of anger, have huge fights in the middle of the workday with her partner and everyone was constantly disappointing her but I overlooked all of that because she had had a horrible childhood and life and I felt so sorry for her.
Being in a whole new country and city, she and work quickly became my world. Many times even more important than my marriage. 😔
The trauma bond deepens
I stayed in that work and relationship for over two years. We would be giggling drinking Prosecco, attending Ayahuasca ceremonies and conscious gatherings, going to restaurants in the evenings (and the bathroom together), and then growing the company during weekdays. From the outside, I think people saw two very different young women who were best friends with an intensity to the dynamic — maybe something… a little bit off, but still potent.
I was at this company through the hiring and firing of many people. I’d be the first in the basement office to open for the others and I’d stay until everything was handled for the day — obsessing over all the details of the business.
With each passing week, my discomfort oct lump in my stomach grew. I was scared of what would and could happen and I vividly remember how nauseous I’d get on Sunday evening knowing I’d have to go to work on Monday. Driving there was torturous some days.
I’d try and bring up some of my frustrations but never quite managed to change anything. I started getting evasive and manipulated situations to avoid any possible conflict. We both started feeling like we needed to walk on eggshells around each other.
The situation grew increasingly bad, and I’d overlook behaviors that were cruel, like punching her boyfriend in the balls as a joke. Micromanaging who I could be friends with. Tolerating that I wasn’t allowed to send a single email without bcc-ing her or that she would go in my email at night to check up on my work and listen in on my sales calls. If any undesired behaviors were detected, I’d be called upstairs to the office of her and my other boss and be reprimanded. There was always shit-talking about other people working in the office and there was no way to be good enough – for anyone.
Going up those stairs to the office, I never knew if I’d get 1. my sweet loving friend, 2. a cold judging critic, or 3. a sad little “baby”. I wanted to get the connection of the first, please the second, and care for the third.
A year and a half in and my anxiety was getting out of hand and my husband was begging me to quit.
At the time, I had no language of this dynamic and was quite helpless under its power over me. My childhood patterns of growing up with two extremely traumatized parents, like hypervigilance, constantly putting others’ needs before my own, empathic merging, people-pleasing, conflict avoidance were in full force and I didn’t know how to deal with it.
What codependence looks like
Here’s an excerpt from an article on Psych Central where we can see how well I match with signs of codependency.
“Common signs of codependency typically include:
a deep-seated need for approval from others
self-worth that depends on what others think about you
a habit of taking on more work than you can realistically handle, both to earn praise or lighten a loved one’s burden
a tendency to apologize or take on blame in order to keep the peace
a pattern of avoiding conflict
a tendency to minimize or ignore your own desires
excessive concern about a loved one’s habits or behaviors
a habit of making decisions for others or trying to “manage” loved ones
a mood that reflects how others feel, rather than your own emotions
guilt or anxiety when doing something for yourself
doing things you don’t really want to do, simply to make others happy
idealizing partners or other loved ones, often to the point of maintaining relationships that leave you unfulfilled
overwhelming fears of rejection or abandonment
With codependency, the need to support others goes beyond what’s generally considered healthy.
If you behave in codependent ways, you don’t just offer support temporarily, such as when a loved one faces a setback. Instead, you tend to focus on caretaking and caring for others to the point that you begin to define yourself in relation to their needs.”
So as you can see, I pretty much 100% matched up with a codependent personality type in this dynamic.😱
Ending the codependent relationship
In the end, things were so bad I knew I had to do something drastic. I gathered all the strength I had with the help of KB, family, and my friends and told her I was leaving the company. I also told her I needed a break from our friendship. It was excruciatingly painful.
In those situations, her small wounded child self would show up so wildly that it took literally everything in me to not cave. To “resolve the tension”, as defined here in this article by Bethany Webster, and take it all back.
But I didn’t, I stuck to my decicion and broke free. It was so very important for my own healing and well-being.
Did this pattern stop there? 100% not. This was only the first step in healing my codependent personality traits.
Since then, I’ve had to keep healing this pattern and I think it’s safe to say it’s been at the root of most of my anxiety, pain, and intrapersonal challenges in my life.
To heal requires immense deep work, perseverance, and discomfort.
Obviously, there is another person who is in the dynamic with you, usually, if it’s a harmful relationship with another person they will fall more along the narcissistic personality type.
Please note, that despite me sounding like the victim of this story, it’s really not about her being “bad” and me “good”. We were two very hurt people playing out an unavoidable dynamic since we hadn’t examined and healed this pattern yet. I think it’s VERY important that we all chill with the labels and activate compassion for the people who lean more narcissistic – since we’re all participating in this pervasive earth drama at this point.
There will probably be times where you need to hate, kick and scream to summon the courage to leave, but I don’t think it’s the end destination. Where we are now as a collective though is to begin holding these people ACCOUNTABLE for the harm that’s being caused.
Let’s collectively uplevel from cancel culture to accountability culture! This is a freaking big job since the western world is basically a narcissist paradise, but I digress…or come full circle – who the heck knows! 😆
The bottom line is: It all starts with you and what you tolerate.
So I ask you to come with me on this journey and keep asking hard questions, love yourself more fiercely, and be truthful with yourself – even when it’s scary or hard.
If you are curious about these dynamics or have further questions about them be sure to check out the videos below. I hope they will be helpful.
Onwards into the wild terrain that’s 2022!
Love & Boundaries,
Karna
Resources!
I will keep writing about these topics because it’s important, but for now, I want to share some of the most valuable resources I have found that:
Explains these dynamics
How to know if you’re in the dynamics of codependence
What you can do about it
The difference between covert (vulnerable) and overt (grandiose) narcissistic personality traits. (This one is SUPER important.)
Where codependency comes from by Julia Christina
Are You Codependent? Here are 11 Key Symptoms to Look For and How To Recover by Julia Christina
12 Ways to Recognize a Covert Narcissist and How One Trait Reveals Many Other Signs of Narcissism by Lisa Romano
The Fastest, Easiest Test For Narcissism: "The Smiling No Test" by Richard Grannon
How to recognize a COVERT narcissist by Richard Grannon
GAMECHANGER VIDEO if you feel like you want to get out of a relationship but feel guilty about it 👉 Covert Narcissists SECRET Crazy Making Communication Weapon They Use To ABUSE by Richard Grannon
How To Get Over The END Of A Relationship With A Narcissist (Breaking The Trauma Bond) by Richard Grannon
* Note: Richard has some potentially triggering videos about the state of the world - if you don’t want to listen to that, just stick to the narc videos.
Important note:
Please don’t use this information to try and diagnose or label other people - only trained clinical therapists can do that, and even they have a challenge doing so. All these personality traits happen in a spectrum and we all sometimes display traits of narcissism and codependency! However, if you grew up with moderate/severe trauma you might be like me and have developed unhealthy dynamics that YOU NEED TO GET THE HELL OUT OF for your own survival and to ultimately thrive beyond codependency, anxiety, and trauma.