This text is dedicated to my son, Phoenix. May you evolve and soar, yet always be connected to your tender heart. I love you.
After the me too movement emerged, I made it a habit to start conversations with men at cafés, at the gym, and at social events about the movement and what they thought about it. I would often add a casual line about how it was an important issue for me personally as I have been sexually abused and violated several times.
It came as a huge surprise to me that often, the first or second thing out of their mouths wasn’t empathy or concern for my experience but a defensive stance “It’s really hard for men too, you know!” #notallmen
I typically added that I was a feminist into the conversation and these same men would often say something to the effect of “Yeah, I get where you’re coming from, but a lot of Feminists are so angry and hate men, and that’s why I don’t agree with feminism.”
I know. Classic.
Mind-boggling lack of empathy?
Maybe you’ve experienced this as well. Being a woman, standing in front of a man telling him your experience and why you’re passionate about equal treatment for all people and it’s met with an opinion.
This lack of empathy and curiosity from highly educated and privileged men about women’s experiences is an important part of what is wrong with the current system and culture we are in.
Here’s the deal you fantastic men out there still reading this (I hope). In general, the women I speak to that are advocating for feminism or women’s rights don’t hate men. I don’t hate men. I do, however, despise the system called patriarchy which, as you know, is a global phenomenon that exalts men and masculine traits while neglecting, abusing, and invalidating women and feminine traits (and other gender expressions).
The biggest crime against men
In patriarchy, women are generally taught to acquiesce to the needs of others. To become “human givers” with “human giver syndrome”, two concepts from moral philosopher Kate Manne’s book Down Girl: the Logic of Misogyny.
Here’s how sisters and co-authors Amanda and Emily Nagoski articulate human beings vs. human givers:
“…there are two types of humans. First, there are human beings, who have a moral obligation to be their full humanity. Human beings must be their humanity.
They have a duty to be as competitive, entitled, and acquisitive as they need to be in order to maximize their human potential. And then, there are the human givers who have a moral obligation to give their full humanity. Human givers must give their humanity.
They have a duty. To give everything they have- their time, their attention, their patience, their love, their rest, their bodies, their hopes and dreams, their very lives sometimes, sacrificed on the altar of other humans' comfort and convenience.”
While men often have the privilege of being allowed to be “human beings” there’s a dark side to our culture.
In a patriarchal system, boys are generally taught to not cry, to not show their feelings, to not be weak, and to squelch their valid emotional needs. IMO, this is the one of greatest crimes that men – as a collective – have been subjected to throughout history.
Men might have the socio-economic upper hand in a patriarchy but I believe men have simultaneously been robbed at the soul level. We teach boys to swallow their feelings and “man up”. This thwarts their ability to feel empathy for themselves.
And, if you can’t have empathy for yourself, how are you supposed to have empathy for others?
How women have the surprising upper hand in a system that oppresses them
Women typically get to stay relational. We can be intimate and vulnerable with each other and have our feelings expressed and heard (except anger). While men and society at large would laugh at our tears at work – at least we are still able to shed them.
What I have come to see so clearly in the wake of women discovering their sovereignty in work, culture, and relationships is that WOMEN ARE WAKING UP and we are emotionally supporting each other through these transitions. (While simultaneously female relationships are also being renegotiated.)
It feels like men are waking up too to an extent, but to the reality that their pain in the wake of a hyper-masculinized culture and the way we raise boys has somehow turned to rage, confusion, and pain.
I cannot believe how many times I still hear the old “brush it off, you’re good” and “don’t cry ‘big man’, it wasn’t that bad” when little boys fall on the playground. It makes my blood boil and if I can, I always try to love on every single little boy in my vicinity. I want to scoop them up and hear their experience, validate them and offer them my care. (Note, there are times asking your kid to get back up is appropriate and other times it isn’t, and there are healthy AND unhealthy ways to do this.)
Through the Me Too movement and similar cultural shifts, I believe women are learning to express and own their anger, grief, and rage – and many of us are getting access to our true power.
And men are grappling with how to feel pain, sadness, grief, anxiety, fear, and how to be vulnerable after a lifetime of compartmentalization and rationalizing things.
I can see how we women, despite thousands of years of oppression have something powerful: the ability to be vulnerable and get emotional support from each other.
So, men, please hear me when I say this.
We don’t hate you!
For the dudes out there who might fall into the more stereotypically masculine traits:
We’re grateful for what you have been able to accomplish and you’ve made some amazing stuff, but we need more from you now.
We need you to commit to learning how to love all of you so that you can begin extending this to the world around you. I believe this is one way we will stop the rampant suffering that is happening at the hands of men right now.
The Alpha Sigma male
While I’m lucky enough to have many kind, caring, smart, gentle, and strong men in my life, I also just moved to rural New Hampshire. Need I say more?
One of my allies is my brother, and we recently had a very eye-opening interaction. It started with him sending this Imgur thread to me from “a trans man who discusses how once he transitioned he came to realize just how affection-starved men truly are”.
I was deeply moved by this trans man’s experience.
After reading it I called my brother and asked him if he felt this too?
His immediate reaction surprised me. He said: “Oh yeah, all the time. Every time I walk out of the house I’m conscious of my impact on women.” “How so?” I asked. “Well, let’s say I’m in line at the store, I am careful not to stand too close to someone.” I asked, “Do you feel like you need to be friendly all the time?” And he replies “Not really, I can’t be too friendly! And let’s say I’m walking down the street after a woman and she turns a corner, I have to wait a bit, just to make sure I don’t appear stalky.”
I was baffled! He said he gets why it’s like that, and how the track record of other men is clearly impacting his behavior, but that even though he gets it, it still sucks.
At this point in the existence of humans, no one is getting off the patriarchal marry-go-round unscathed.
That’s why I deeply believe, we all need to do our part to create an accountability culture that is safe and inclusive for all. (And I know I probably won’t see it in my lifetime, but progress over perfection, baby.)
Ideas for men who want to be part of the change
If you’re a 🍆 who wants to start doing your part, here are some ideas to get started:
👉 Acknowledge that you can’t do anything alone.
👉 Talk to someone about your feelings and experience. Reach out for help, on a personal level, and for professional help.
👉 Work on being vulnerable with safe people.
👉 Learn how to care for your inner little boy. (The Hoffman Institute is an excellent place to get this kind of help.)
👉 Start listening to women and truly hear their pain. Ask questions. Get curious. (Side note, number one complaint from my female friends from dating is “He didn’t ask me A SINGLE QUESTION!”).
👉 Find a way to feel the grief, pain, and sadness that will surely come once you understand the suffering caused and experienced by men in a patriarchal system over the past millennia.
👉 Look at how you have been contributing to this and how you can begin doing things differently.
👉 Learn how to show true remorse for your contribution.
👉 Find out how to have more empathy for yourself in the process.
👉 Join a men’s group. (Make sure it’s a good one!)
👉 Be in nature.
👉 Practice self-love and self-compassion.
Note: And for all the “good guys” out there. You don’t need to make up for the suffering caused by other men. You can be you. You can find ways to shine. You don’t have to disappear!
Note: I am not bringing up the immense suffering toxic masculinity has caused the LGBTQIA folks because that isn’t my expertise but I do invite you to find some queer people to follow and learn from if you haven’t already. Like these wonderful humans.
If you are a man reading this. You are important to me. I’d love to know how the hyper-masculinized culture we live in has impacted you! Tell me in the comments.
Much love,
Karna 💜
This hit very deep. Thank you ❤️❤️
Wow, That hit me too. I think something got in my eye while reading it...
I have felt it, do feel it, the pressure, anxiety, fear and worry. But I didn't have the words for it as well as you Karna or the trans man (skaldish) shared. Very powerful and perceptive. Definitely helpful to hear from someone who has lived in both sides. Sam Blessings to you sir for being you and such a wonderful example of a fine man!