Panic attacks, intrusive thoughts, and meeting God in my closet
A day in the life of a regular, mystical human.
I have a list of at least 47 topics I want to write you about, but today, I think a little personal update is in order.
I started on my spiritual journey 20 years ago. I can’t believe it’s been this long, but it has. That’s half of my life.
And it’s been a daily pursuit for me; yes, I am THAT tenacious bitch – yearning and yearning to feel whole, loved, and like I belong on this earth.
But, of course, I do. Of course, we ALL are whole. It’s the best part of the whole joke. No matter how gutted, shattered, and lost we feel - it’s not the TRUTH of who we are.
Because while our poor, dear personalities can get absolutely disorganized, disoriented, and disillusioned, our essence is still there, at the core, completely untouched.
We cannot live in a world interpreted for us by others. An interpreted world is not a hope. Part of the terror is to take back our listening, to use our own voice, to see our light. - Hildegard of Bingen
I know this because, in the past few months, the Holy Spirit has visited me thrice - no, I was not micro-dosing; it happens while I’m entirely sober. The second time, they came to see me in my closet, where I’d retreated to not freak my husband out (again) with all the crying on a Monday morning. With them, they had Father God.
Like I did the first time, I had called up my friend and spiritual healing conduit, Katrina of Owned by Love. Both times, I had been in deep emotional pain, and both times, she instructed me to speak directly to the one I had the beef with - God the Father. And a few Mondays ago, he answered me for the second time.
I’ve had a lot of mystical, supernatural, and spiritual experiences in my life, but nothing - absolutely nothing - like this. God has spoken to me my whole life, guiding, directing, and nudging me, but always in whispers, hunches, intuitive guidance, and knowings, but never this directly.
“For eternity is called the “Father,” the Word is called the “Son,” and the breath that binds both of them together is called the “Holy Spirit.” - Hildegard of Bingen
The Panic Attacks Begin
But wait, before I say more, I must share some of my last year's human horror stories with you. Around Christmas time last year, I had my first panic attack. I was sure I was having a brain aneurysm as I crawled to my husband, crying and shaking.
Then it happened again last August while driving with my children, trying to get them to a trampoline park. I cannot tell you just quite how petrified I was to careen down a highway at 60 miles per hour with other potentially death-causing metal boxes on wheels all around me and no way to get off the road, with my heart pounding, my hands numb, and my brain melting.
Then it happened again while doing a marketing presentation in front of 15 people. I was able to work through it, and nobody was able to tell.
I knew I had to get to the bottom of why this was happening to me.
The Path of Deep Healing
Before understanding the roots and how to manage these panic attacks, my life has, at times, felt pretty treacherous and terrifying the past eight months. Paired with an increase in intrusive thoughts, you could say I was living part-time in a nightmare.
That state was intensified by a fear of “going crazy.” There are a whole lot of mental health issues on both sides of my family tree, and I share this fear with some of my sisters. There’s a doom feeling of, “Oh, shit, now it’s finally kicking in,” that’s pretty scary and sometimes difficult to navigate within my psyche.
But as I said, when you’re that bitch, there is no option to give up. The only option is to deepen the commitment to heal it, no matter the cost and time.
Since life is based on walking in faith, no matter what the scientist says, I take immense liberties with what I believe. If a belief makes me feel better, I go for it. And then, I test it out like a hypothesis.
One belief I hold fast to is that if I’m experiencing something, it’s “up for healing.” I also believe that if it’s up for healing, I have everything I need to heal it.
By now, I have proven to myself that these beliefs are true. I’ve made it this far, and I have reintegrated so many of the fragmented pieces of my soul, soma, and psyche.
So there I was this fall, up-leveling my life, evoking good boundaries left and right, surrendering like a mofo to an entirely new way of doing business and marketing, teaching live classes monthly, taking up more space than ever–while also riding the struggle bus to crazy town more often than I’d like to admit here so publicly.
But I want to tell you this in case being human is hard for you, too. Because then we don’t have to feel as alone and ashamed to have these very human experiences…
Enter God
After all this, as you can imagine, I was pretty psyched to have a visit with God that day in my closet. And boy, did I tell him EVERYTHING. I shared my sadness, my rage, my fear, my disillusionment, my despair, and my hopes and desires. I did not mince words. Not for a second.
He heard me. And then I was enveloped by what Katrina calls “the holy pause.”
In this space, I could finally hear Father God’s voice clearly, and we talked for a good long while as the Holy Spirit was cleansing me. (Autocorrect to the holy spider, as I’m typing this on my phone in the dark of night 😂 )
To have dedicated my life to the path of becoming Love, I had grown accustomed to the Divine nudges and whispers - direct transmission is completely new. And if I am being honest, which I believe one should be while baring their soul on Substack, I’m not yet sure what to make of it.
A not-so-small part of me wishes that my Swedish family and friends NEVER find this tiiiiny corner of the Internet and never know what a weirdo I have become. Another part of me, the most important part, is at peace with it and so very grateful.
To finally be able to let go of my deep anger at the Father and let Him carry me is the gift of my lifetime. And to be able to trust in His plan for this planet is a balm for my weary soul.
Now, my whole insides scream: “Karna, it sounds like you have become one of THEM. How will your people trust you now?? What of the Mother God, and why do you sound like a spokesperson for patriarchy?? Answer me!”
And, hopefully, in another article, I will. This one is far too long already. Know this: The Story doesn’t end here. Oh no, we are just getting started, and the Divine Mother and the Divine Feminine are not done with me, not even close.
“Holy Spirit, the life that gives life: You are the cause of all movement. You are the breath of all creatures. You are the salve that purifies our souls. You are the ointment that heals our wounds. You are the fire that warms our hearts. You are the light that guides our feet. Let all the world praise you.” - Hildegard of Bingen
Shame, shame, shame
One thread that runs through these experiences is feeling deep shame.
Shame that I was so crazy that I got panic attacks. Shame that I can’t control my mind and experience intrusive thoughts. Shame that I am so weird that I’m having inexplicable rendezvous with a patriarchal Father God and Jesus energy - how WEIRD!
Here’s what I have learned about these three human experiences over the past year that I wish I had known before.
Panic Attacks
⭐️ Panic attacks are a normal human response to having operated beyond your capacity for a long time or experienced a trauma that you were unable to process, like loss, betrayal, loved ones suffering, over-caregiving, sudden change of environment, etc.
⭐️ Panic attacks are common. Up to 35 percent of the population experience a panic attack at some time in their lives. A panic attack can also be called an anxiety attack. Emphasis on the attack part because it sneaks up on you out of nowhere. 😱
⭐️ These episodes usually begin abruptly, peak within 10 minutes, and end within half an hour. (With lingering psychological effects for more hours.) They CAN last longer, too. I think it’s empowering to know that, most likely, you will feel better within 30 minutes. That’s a bearable amount of time.
⭐️ When a panic attack happens, your brain functions well other than a small area caught in a loop - the amygdala. Your job is to open up that loop.
⭐️ Scientific research suggests that the amygdala plays a critical role in panic attacks. A study by Etkin & Wager (2007) found that individuals with heightened anxiety exhibited increased activity in the amygdala(1). During a panic attack, it is believed that the amygdala becomes hyperactive, overproducing fear and anxiety despite there being no tangible threat.
⭐️ According to my sister’s therapist, when you have a PA, the rest of the brain is functioning well! I could drive when I had a panic attack, even though it was terrifying.
⭐️ You CAN learn to manage panic attacks, and if you apply yourself to your healing journey, you can lessen the severity and even make them stop.
⭐️ Cold showers can help you learn how to regulate your breathing while uncomfortable. This has helped me, but it is not for everyone.
⭐️ There are drugs that can help with anxiety. It’s not a weakness if you choose to take them as you learn to manage the symptoms. It’s a strength to ask for and receive help. Both from people and medicine. You are not less spiritual if you take a drug to help your mental health.
⭐️ There’s a drug that can help called Propranolol that I take when needed. Propranolol is a type of medicine called a beta blocker.
Like other beta blockers, propranolol works by changing the way your body responds to some nerve impulses, including in the heart. It slows down your heart rate and makes it easier for your heart to pump blood around your body.
It works differently if you're using it for anxiety. When you are anxious, your brain makes chemical messengers called adrenaline and noradrenaline. These make your heart rate faster and make you sweat or shake. Propranolol helps block the effects of these chemical messengers. This reduces the physical signs of anxiety.
It seems to be extra beneficial for people like me with a history of sexual abuse, my therapist tells me.
Recommendations from Better Health modified by me:
Avoid ‘self-talk’ that focuses your attention on your symptoms – don’t tell yourself, ‘Stop panicking!’ or ‘Relax!’
Instead, say to yourself. I’m having a panic attack, and that's normal. I will focus on counting my breathing and making the exhale longer - that will help ease the symptoms faster.
This WILL pass. I am OK.
Cross your arms and stroke one arm, then the next, aka a Butterfly Hug.
Remind yourself that the symptoms of a panic attack are uncomfortable but not life-threatening. If it’s not the first time, reassure yourself that you’ve felt these feelings before and nothing terrible happened aka you are not dying and you will be OK.
Focus your attention on something outside your own body and symptoms. For example, distract yourself by counting backward from 100, recall the words from a favorite song, or concentrate on the sights and sounds around you. You can also try chewing gum.
Fleeing from the situation will only reinforce the perception that your panic attacks are unbearable. If you sit and allow the symptoms to pass, you gain confidence in your ability to cope.
What to say to someone who shares they have experienced a panic attack:
I’m so sorry you had to go through that. I know/have heard they are super scary!
How are you coping now?
Are you getting help?
Do you want to share your experience with me? I’d love to know more so I can support you.
Is there anything I can do to support you?
I’ve read this article about panic attacks by a gal named Karna, do you want me to send it to you in case it’s helpful.
Intrusive Thoughts
Ugh, these suckers are the WORST! I never had them until last year. I kept myself so controlled that I was able to suppress a bunch of trauma until I couldn’t.
I started having intrusive thoughts after experiencing a betrayal, significant loss, and panic attacks.
I had no idea what they were until I went to a comedy show with JVN, and they made a joke about them.
It seems to come out of nowhere — a strange, disturbing thought or a troubling image that pops into your mind. It might be violent or sexual or a recurring fear that you’ll do something inappropriate or embarrassing. Whatever the content, it’s unsettling and may bring on feelings of worry or shame. The more you try to push the thought from your mind, the more it persists.
My intrusive thoughts have been related mainly to my kids getting hurt in a car accident while I’m driving, fearful thoughts that I’m going crazy, as I mentioned above, fear of aging and developing physical ailments, or loved ones dying.
Intrusive thoughts are often triggered by stress or anxiety. They may also be a short-term problem brought on by biological factors, like hormone shifts. (Postpartum can be brutal.)
One day, as these thoughts plagued me, I’d had it! I emailed my therapist of 5 years and asked her what intrusive thoughts are and why I have them. She emailed me back with awesome exercises to break down the intrusive thoughts. She also sent me an excerpt of a book she’d written, and lo and behold, chapter 10 was all about intrusive thoughts!
I learned that sometimes when you have had an emotionally immature parent, the feelings you were unable to express and metabolize as a child can come back as an adult as intrusive thoughts. OMFG, I wasn’t going crazy after all. I had experienced emotional neglect. This knowledge gave me the peace of mind I needed to begin my healing process – I am not crazy, these thoughts are a symptom of something that happened to me.
Resource:
Here’s a great resource from Therapy in a Nutshell. Don’t be like me and wait months to ask for help! There is relief to be had TODAY!
Mystical Experiences
This is a doozy to write about, and part of me doesn’t want to because I don’t want to put this target on my back. But inspiration is nudging me ahead, so let’s do it!
I consider myself a rational person. I believe in facts and science (while I also see its limitations). I know confirmation bias is real. I have first-hand experienced the many charlatans and modern snake-oil salesmen and women in the spiritual and new age communities. I believe that practicing extreme discernment regarding who you trust and take in information from is essential for your mental health and overall well-being.
At the same time, since I was little, I’ve also had experiences that are mystical and supernatural. It really amped up in my early 20s and took new heights in the past few months as I’ve experienced the presence of the Holy Spirit and what I believe is the father aspect of the Divine. Having had direct transmission in the past few months, everything has changed for me.
If you are someone who lives with experiences that don’t fit into the muggle world, and if you, too, sometimes feel weird and out of place because you experience life differently than the majority of people around you, here’s what I want you to know.
Throughout human history, there’s always been a wide variety of people who have reported a mystical experience — including saints, shamans, and Old Testament prophets, as well as acknowledged nonbelievers like Virginia Woolf and the contemporary atheist writer Sam Harris.
From the introduction from a Pub Med study about mystical experiences and hallucinogens, we learn…
“Reports of mystical-type experiences date back many centuries (e.g. in the case of Rumi or St. Teresa of Avila), if not millennia (i.e. in the case of Plotinus) (Stace, 1960a). Mystical experiences have occurred in the course of structured spiritual or religious practices as well as in cases in which there was no direct intention to have such an experience. Mystical experiences are uniquely interesting and important to study because they are sometimes associated with abrupt, substantial, and sustained changes in behavior and perception (Miller & C’de Baca, 2001). Furthermore, the authoritative sense of interconnectedness and sacredness that defines such experiences suggest that mystical experiences may be foundational to the world’s ethical and moral systems (Huxley 1947). Despite their apparent importance, the unpredictability and low probability of “naturally occurring” mystical-type experiences, whether they occur in religious or non-religious contexts, has made them inherently difficult to study in controlled empirical research.”
In other words, we call them mystical because they are impossible to study in “controlled environments,” but that doesn’t mean they are not REAL and valuable for various reasons. For some people like me, these experiences are a vital part of human existence, and they contribute information about other aspects of the human experience that science cannot capture.
When people don’t understand something, which is the case for most people who don’t have mystical experiences, they tend to fear it, or it makes them uncomfortable. When either of these feelings arises, they could feel the need to pathologize your experience (are you having a psychotic break?), minimize it (were you taking mushrooms?), patronize you (oh, honey, lots of people have daydreams, you’re so funny.) This is why it’s so important that you are careful and discerning about who you share your experiences with. (Most people aren’t equipped to share these things publicly. I usually don’t recommend it.)
Coming to terms with our mystical weirdness
To cultivate acceptance for myself and others like me, I like to imagine how a dragonfly experiences the world.
“We humans have what’s known as tri-chromatic vision, which means we see colours as a combination of red, blue and green. This is thanks to three different types of light-sensitive proteins in our eyes, called opsins. We are not alone: di-, tri- and tetra-chromatic vision is de rigueur in the animal world, from mammals to birds and insects.
Enter the dragonfly. A study of 12 dragonfly species has found that each one has no fewer than 11, and some a whopping 30, different visual opsins.”
This means that the dragonfly sees vastly more colors than most humans.
If we could talk to a dragonfly and hear it explain its reality, we would not assume it’s full of shit or crazy. We would acknowledge that the dragonfly had capacities that allowed it to see more colors. I think it’s the same for people with unusual experiences like me. I believe we are gifted in ways scientists can’t yet measure!
So, my recommendation is for you to talk to other dragonflies about your experiences or dragonfly-curious people, and don’t try to explain yourself to the rest.
One last note: I believe we are in an era where more people will start getting more direct contact with more mysterious aspects of existence - which I believe are supposed to be part of some people’s human experience. With an uptick in people experimenting with plant medicine, ketamine, and other consciousness-altering substances, it’s inevitable.
That’s why I want to share my experiences with you. I want you to know more about people like me.
If we stay open and curious about each other and don’t dismiss something because we don’t understand it, we can enjoy living in the best kind of reality this world has to offer: a rich, diverse, nuanced, interdependent, and flourishing Ecosystem.
Let’s make it so number one! ☝️
Love,
Liv Karna 💜
Rumi
Rumi, ‘We Are Three’, Mathnawi VI, 831-845
I died from minerality and became vegetable;
And From vegetativeness I died and became animal.
I died from animality and became man.
Then why fear disappearance through death?
Next time I shall die
Bringing forth wings and feathers like angels;
After that, soaring higher than angels –
What you cannot imagine,
I shall be that.
Soul receives from soul that knowledge, therefore not by book
nor from tongue.
If knowledge of mysteries come after emptiness of mind, that is
illumination of heart.
If thou wilt be observant and vigilant, thou wilt see at every moment the response to thy action. Be observant if thou wouldst have a pure heart, for something is born to thee in consequence of every action.
I said, ‘Thou art harsh, like such a one.’
‘Know,’ he replied,
‘That I am harsh for good, not from rancor and spite.
Whoever enters saying, “This I,” I smite him on the brow;
For this is the shrine of Love, o fool! it is not a sheep cote!
Rub thine eyes, and behold the image of the heart.’
Make yourself free from self at one stroke!
Like a sword be without trace of soft iron;
Like a steel mirror, scour off all rust with contrition.
Hildegard of Bingen
I’ve been deeply drawn to Hildegard of Bingen for the past month.
Here’s what ChatGPT says about her:
Hildegard of Bingen, also known as Saint Hildegard and Sibyl of the Rhine, was a remarkable woman of the medieval era, known for her wide range of accomplishments in various fields. Born in 1098 in Bermersheim vor der Höhe, in what is now Germany, she lived until 1179. Hildegard was a Benedictine abbess, writer, composer, philosopher, Christian mystic, visionary, and polymath.
She is best known for:
Her Writings: Hildegard wrote several theological, botanical, and medicinal texts, as well as letters, liturgical songs, and poems. She is one of the first known composers of music in the Western tradition, with her works being highly innovative for her time. Her most significant works include "Scivias" ("Know the Ways"), a compilation of her visionary experiences, and "Physica" and "Causae et Curae," both of which explore natural history and the medicinal uses of various natural objects.
Her Visions: From a young age, Hildegard experienced mystical visions, which she believed were divine revelations. These visions significantly influenced her theological and philosophical writings.
Her Contributions to Medicine and Science: Hildegard made substantial contributions to the field of medicinal science of her time, with her writings including detailed observations of the human body and various medicinal practices.
Her Music: As a composer, Hildegard's music is notable for its soaring melodies and poetic texts. Her compositions, many of which were for liturgical use, have gained considerable recognition in recent years.
Her Leadership: As an abbess, Hildegard founded two monasteries, demonstrating significant leadership skills in a time when women were rarely in positions of power.
Hildegard's influence extended beyond the confines of her monasteries. She corresponded with popes, emperors, and other influential figures of her time, providing counsel and insights. Her contributions to theology, music, natural science, and the understanding of visions and mysticism make her a unique figure in the history of the Middle Ages. She was canonized a saint and in 2012 was named a Doctor of the Church, a rare title of honor in the Catholic Church.
Such a soul-nourishing, heartwarming read. I’m so grateful that you share your journey, your truth, your being! Feeling so seen, and so at peace after reading this. Thank you! 🤍