Pain has taught me a great many things in life.
What’s doesn’t work.
What to avoid.
Who not to trust.
What happens when I try to control life and other people.
What not to spend my time on.
How to plan better.
What to let go of.
What happens when I avoid pain.
How to lean into pain.
How to allow myself to be reborn by going through it.
I could go on!
In sum: Pain is an important and valuable teacher here on earth and has taught me so many things.
Let’s make it official: Pain. I am grateful for you and accept you as an unavoidable part of life.
There’s a reoccurring thought that’s come back to me over and over again in the last year. It’s this.
What if I allow myself to lean into learning from PLEASURE instead of so much pain?
As far as I understand, Pleasure is an under-researched topic, and we don’t really understand it very well.
My good friend Elizabeth Wood and her co-author Dee Hartmann have set out to change this and recently published a book called The Pleasure Prescription: A Surprising Approach to Healing Sexual Pain and Elizabeth has been a great resource for me over the years as I’ve healed from sexual abuse and trauma. (More about that in future articles!)
Before Covid hit, I decided to participate in one of their studies on pain and pleasure and I remember vividly laying on Dee’s table telling her about one spot in my vagina that had been painful for a while. She asked me to breathe and move my muscles and pelvic floor in a certain way and then she touched that place again. The pain was GONE!!
She shared that often we get caught in pain patterns that keep repeating until someone (or something) shows us a new path.
Important Note: Women are grossly underserved when it comes to sexual pleasure and pain – so few people know how to actually serve women in these areas. I’ve included some resources at the bottom of this article to hopefully help guide the way.
I feel like the same is true in life, we get stuck in pain cycles and it’s too unfamiliar and too painful to relax and allow for deep pleasure.
The past two years have been quite depressing for me on the fun and pleasure front. Last year, I was struggling with debilitating anxiety, and my sex drive and ability to feel pleasure from my life were almost zero. Even my greatest joy of self-pleasuring, which I’ve relied on for pleasure since I was a kid didn’t work! GASP!
But as I’ve learned the lessons pain has taught me, slowed down, and turned toward presence, BE-ing and nature more - pleasure is returning to my life!!
And, you know what. I want to go for her! Pursue her. Welcome and honor her! I am desiring to bring deep and consistent pleasure back into my life. And I know she has *SO* much to teach me…
In case you are curious about bringing more pleasure into your life here’s a list of ideas. (And if you can’t even *think* about this topic right now, that’s OK. Feel free to bookmark this email and come back to it later!)
22 things to invite more PLEASURE
Breathe deeply - the only way to access pleasure is when we are in the parasympathetic nervous system aka the relaxation response and breath is the quickest way there
Slow down when I’m eating and savor my food (been working on this for YEARS and having kids didn’t exactly help…
Do something creative with my hands - drawing with water crayons are my favorite
Baking from scratch and eating the delicacies
Get a massage with yummy smelling oils - note to self: NO TALKING or doing healing work on the facilitator while getting a massage #recoveringcodependent
Book a date with my husband and ask for what I desire
Get a new sex toy or USE the ones I have. I can easily get into a rut of not giving this to myself - because it feels like work
Commune with nature and water in any form
Dance to rhythmic music and FUN music
Give myself breast massages in the shower – this is such an epic pleasure habit because it also has health benefits AND is a chance to discover any abnormalities early
Pay closer attention to things that feel good and bring me pleasure
Savor a yummy beverage in front of the fireplace
Stand in the sun or moonlight
Enjoy snuggling my children before sleep
Listen to a whole album of music!
Sing to myself
Be in silence for an hour
Snuggle animals
Give myself beauty treatments
Enjoy adorning myself with beautiful clothes, jewelry or enjoy my natural beauty - whatever makes me feel most like me
Take a day off and go exploring
Take naps on the couch
What did I forget? Email me and let me know!
I wonder…
What will happen when I get curious about my pleasure?
What beliefs or past situations will get triggered as I invite pleasure in more?
What will I have to let go of to have more pleasure?
Who do I have to be to experience pleasure on the daily?
I think we can all agree that the fun tank is getting dangerously low…
And I know that cultivating a personal relationship with my UNIQUE pleasure codes will be one thing to start filling that tank back up!
But, despite having listed 22 things, this will have to move slowly in baby steps and approach this as a “slow-burn” type of exploration because I’m still feeling quite tender.
Even though pleasure sounds yummy, I know it can also feel a bit scary. That’s OK. No matter where you are at on your pleasure journey, I appreciate you being here with me as I dive in, and I hope we can learn more together.
Pleasurably yours,
Karna
Unfolding.
Something new! This week was a real whirlwind of transformational moments and big feelings. One evolution that sprung from this week was that I changed the name of this publication to “Unfolding.”
As I am discovering that one of the central messages that I share is to trust in the unfoldment of life and that there’s a real safety that comes when we are able to relax into trusting life. For some of us, life has not felt very trustworthy and we have many experiences that tell us NOT to trust life. I’m here to unfold together with you to see if we can get back to “resting in the center” as my friend Bethany recently reminded me to do.
Thank you for being here and Unfolding with me. 💜
Resources
The Pleasure Revolution – If you are experiencing pain with intercourse please connect into the Pleasure Revolution with Elizabeth Wood and Dee Hartmann – they are pioneers and are EXTREMELY knowledgeable and experienced. You can buy their book The Pleasure Prescription here.
Healing Pelvic Floor Challenges with Revelle Physical Therapy – Revelle is a women’s wellness practice that specializes in treatment for the common but abnormal issues women experience throughout their lifetime. They focus on pelvic floor dysfunction, pregnancy, and postpartum. They empower women to prioritize self-care to ensure they are functioning at their absolute best! They are old clients of mine and PURE professionals.
Women’s Anatomy of Arousal by Sheri Winston – Life-changing, practical book. Her description: Sheri Winston has put the missing pieces together, creating the first-ever accurate, integrated maps of women’s anatomy and sexuality. This fun, sexy, empowering guide combines lost knowledge with ancient and modern sexuality information to illuminate every woman’s secret path to fabulous, orgasmically abundant sex.
OMGYES - One-time fee women’s sexual education resource. It’s INCREDIBLE. Build more pleasure as you discover techniques you didn't even know felt good and try them all in 'exploration sessions'. If you did ONE thing for your sex life, I recommend this resource.
Come As You Are by Emily Nagoski – For much of the 20th and 21st centuries, women’s sexuality was an uncharted territory in science, studied far less frequently - and far less seriously - than its male counterpart. That is, until Emily Nagoski’s Come As You Are, which used groundbreaking science and research to prove that the most important factor in creating and sustaining a sex life filled with confidence and joy is not what the parts are or how they’re organized but how you feel about them.
Layla Martin’s free YouTube videos – Slight trigger warning but still amazing free recourses from Layla. She covers soooo many topics you can just browse and see if anything inspires you.
Erotic Blueprint Breakthrough by Jaiya as seen in Sex, Love & Goop – You can start by taking the FREE quiz. This one has been a recent game-changer for me and my husband of 12 years(!).
From the website: Sex can be confusing, pleasure illusive and passion often fades. But when you master the skills of the Erotic Blueprints, you’ll…
Discover exactly what turns you on so you can ask for what you want
Understand your sexual Superpowers so can experience orgasmic satisfaction
Get insights on how to put an end to “sexual incompatibility”
Confidently please any lover, no matter their Blueprint Type™