In this article, we are going to explore the role of willpower and habits in creating the life we desire. I can’t wait to share what I have learned with you! 😊
Willpower is the ability to resist short-term gratification in pursuit of long-term goals or objectives.
Willpower is correlated with positive life outcomes such as better grades, higher self-esteem, lower substance abuse rates, greater financial security, and improved physical and mental health.
One place where the concept of willpower comes up a lot is when it comes to executing healthy behaviors.
Willpower is, in that context, the ability to choose a lean protein and salad over a pasta dish or being able to make yourself go to the gym after work when all you wanna do is Netflix and chill (in its most literal sense – the pandemic and having young kids ate my sex-drive!).
Last fall I went through a coaching certification called Habit Coach Professionals. It was the first time I actively pondered the role of willpower in my life and its efficacy in creating the life I want to live.
Looking back, one might say I have a willpower of steel.
When I was in high school I decided after a conversation with my sister that I needed to become a straight-A student, going from having mediocre grades all through 9th grade. I let absolutely nothing get in the way of my goal. Not incessant partying, boy troubles, or having a busy social life, when it came down to it, I got them As and graduated top of my class.
When it came to my weight, I maintained my "goal weight" with the precision of Ko Jin-young.
I came to the States with no money and no degree and within 8 years I had a lucrative marketing business.
I’ve been married almost 12 years to the SAME MAN.
No doubt my willpower has got me places and is an asset to my personal success.
The cost of having amazing willpower
I am grateful for having the ability to focus on executing pretty much anything I set my mind to. But lately, I’ve been asking myself at what cost?
Being able to “make myself” do stuff has resulted in putting me in a false sense of control of life, and as you would probably agree, those false gods came crumbling down in 2020 for many of us.
That’s when I realized that I had put my willpower in the hands of goals and ideals created by consumerism and false ideals around happiness and wealth!
Here are some common motivators:
Being thin and "toned" is good and healthy. I should make myself be like that at all costs.
I need to please people so that they will like me. Being liked is important.
I need to make a lot of money so that I am safe and can buy things and have status. I am worth more if I have a lot.
More clients are better. That’s a sign of success and will make more money.
I should push myself to be more productive. Society values productive people so this is one way I earn the right to exist.
I don’t know how typical my life is in relationship to what’s accessible for people in general. I think that my birthplace, genes, looks, and talents have set me up for a better life than many.
On the other hand, I’ve suffered debilitating trauma which has shaped my life deeply. The fear and anxiety (sometimes terror) that I’ve had to navigate has pushed me to use my willpower to avoid pain.
Since my early 20s, I’ve been borderline obsessed with finding my way back into the heart of Divinity. Back into the Love I know I’m my bones I come from. I’ve also been working diligently to create what can probably best be described as my “dream life”. Cliché as it may sound. That’s what I’ve been busy doing.
First, the dream was being successful, rich, thin, liked, appreciated (Holla! Enneagram 3w2, Aries Sun, Kolbe QuickStart, Human Design Generator, the list goes on…).
And you know what… I got close to so many of my dreams – I was no millionaire but I had checked A LOT of boxes.
But then there was a pandemic and so many of my friends died. Some even chose to go. Losing some of the people I just absolutely adored, young, kind, special people, changed me and it changed my priorities.
So, I used my willpower and started course correcting.
First, I got very honest with myself about what truly matters, as I’m sure you too started doing to some degree during this life-changing global event.
Here’s part of the list I ended up with:
I want to know that I am inherently WORTHY regardless of what I can do or perform.
I want to be there for my children during their precious childhood. And I want to be present and clear enough to BE a good role model for them - not because of what I tell them but through how I live and the choices I make that they are observing and absorbing.
I want to surrender to the FLOW of life and I want to be able to be with whatever comes my way.
I want to have time to MOVE my body every day in ways that feel good.
I want to claim who I am and what only I can GIVE to this world.
I want to have space to NURTURE the partnership with my husband and deepen our connection.
I want to love so hard that illusions melt and people whose lives I touch REMEMBER who they are. A divine child, just like me.
I want to respect myself and others enough to advocate for my truth and have healthy BOUNDARIES.
I want to only work with people I RESPECT who share these priorities who trust me and like my approach to marketing and business growth.
I want to live SLOWLY, and on purpose so that I can use my body as the instrument that helps me navigate toward my North Star and hook into a more effortless state of being.
Changing the way you motivate yourself
While my willpower has always been an asset to me, now she can mostly take a back seat.
How is that possible?
Talking to my behavior expert brother about this he said: “The people with the highest willpower use it the least because they have set up habits and systems so they don’t have to use their willpower.” And that has certainly been true for me! So the consensus seems to be to use your willpower to set up habits and systems.
I want to add: before you start optimizing get SUPER CLEAR on what your motivations are.
“The focus should always be on becoming that type of person, not getting a particular outcome. In the beginning, it is far more important to cast small votes for your desired identity than to worry about a particular result.”
–James Clear, Author of Atomic Habits
So one focus you could opt for is:
💪 “I’m the kind of person who uses my willpower to set up small habits, not focus on a specific result.”
Here is a nifty list of possible motivation changes that are identity-focused
These are designed to put you in a clear state of mind as to WHY you make the choices you do and put you in a more expansive state of being instead of what society (read: patriarchy) has brainwashed us into thinking are good motivators.
👉 I work out every day for an hour to be thin and burn calories. I move my body every day for a minimum of five minutes in a way that feels, fun, loving, and in tune with my needs.
👉 I only eat healthy foods and shame myself when I fall off track. I am at peace with all foods and make eating choices that support my health and well-being for life. I release “diet mentality” and embrace whole, nutrient-dense foods while also taking much pleasure in my food.
👉 I go to bed whenever I feel like it. I pay attention to my body’s needs for rest and find ways to sprinkle in joyful activities throughout my day so I feel satisfied enough to go to bed at a time that supports me being happy and energized throughout my day.
👉 I push myself to be the best at everything and work as hard as I can so that I earn respect, worth, and money. I pay attention to my energy and needs and put healthy boundaries in place knowing that I am worthy of respect and intrinsically worthy because I exist. Money will come to me sustainably over time as I honor myself.
👉 I make sure to be pleasant and accommodating at all times to gain friends and peace around me. I stay connected to myself and advocate for my needs with respectful communication to create real peace.
👉 I drink water because I read on Instagram I should. I drink plenty of water because that is one way I honor my needs and it makes my body feel better, more energized, and more clear.
👉 I don’t go pee when I need to because I don’t want to be disruptive in meetings. I ask for a break to take care of my body’s needs to show myself I am trustworthy and a good steward of myself.
👉 I try and meditate every day because someone told me mindfulness is “the thing to do”. I meditate because I know that when I spend some time in contemplation it makes me more able to roll with life's punches and have more space in my brain to make deliberate choices of how I want to respond.
👉 I do work on myself because I’m such a mess. I am curious about myself and I take inspired action to make space for me to grow into my most peaceful, loving, badass, and true self. It’s my gift to myself for all the hardships I have had to endure in life.
👉 I have to give of myself to be a good person. I pay attention to my inner state and give only when I’m able to do so freely without taxing myself too much. This creates balanced relationships that are built on a solid foundation vs my over-functioning.
Next, let’s look at ways you can reduce the need to rely on willpower to take desired actions
I’m going to use my own habits to illustrate how I’ve stopped relying on willpower for my most important behaviors. This way, I have plenty of choosing-power in my tank for when I need it. For example, when my child has a meltdown, I can choose to stay calm instead of screaming.
After much testing and observing, I now know that the cornerstones of my overall wellbeing and ability to perform well and make good choices boil down to these habits:
Sleep 😴
Movement 💃🏻
Meditation 😌
Being in Nature ⛰️
Eating well 🥑
I decided to create "rituals" that would support me in effortlessly incorporating them into my daily life.
Since my weekdays and weekends are highly different (no kids vs. with kids) I have different rituals for weekdays and weekends. I’m going to share my weekday ritual since it’s the most defined.
I used "habit stacking" to make sure it would be smooth and easy. Habit stacking is when you repeatedly do one desired behavior after the other.
Here are my two Morning Rituals:
➰ Loop 1:
Wake up at 6:30 am and do 10-15 minutes of guided meditation.
Get up and use my tongue scraper.
Drink the glass of water at my bedside.
Rinse off. End it with a cold shower for 2 minutes and then reward myself with warm water directly after.
Get dressed in my workout clothes and get the kids ready.
Make one of these breakfasts: oatmeal with cinnamon, raisins, collagen, hemp heads, and chia seeds or egg on whole grain rye bread with greens.
➿ Loop 2:
After I walk my daughter to school I walk outside for 30-45 minutes.
I come home and make a green/workout boost shake.
Then I go to my yoga mat and practice yoga on my app for 5-30 minutes depending on how I feel.
Clean the kitchen.
Shower and get dressed for the day.
I started part of this ritual in the fall after starting Habit Coach Pro certification and it’s changed my life. This exact routine I’ve done for 49 days and I feel like it’s now become habitual i.e. I don’t have to think about doing it, I just do it. And I also crave it because I’ve made my ritual fun and tied to my identity!
In the past, I thought I wanted the freedom to be able to do whatever I want, but through experimentation, I have found expansion through limitation and love the freedom my habits give me.
A note for neuro-diverse people: If you have a diagnosis of some kind, you will have to be extra kind to yourself as you discover what works and does not work for you.
Behavior tricks hidden in my routine
✅ I have identified the “trigger” for the habit loops:
Trigger 1 is waking up.
Trigger 2 is walking my daughter to school.
✅ I practice “decision elimination”:
During breakfast where I only have two choices which make it easy to make a good one.
I also use the same yoga app which has the same purpose of eliminating any hesitancy of what to do but it also has enough variety within the app to not be boring.
With the risk of now totally outing myself as a complete be-sci nerd, I can't leave here without talking about the biggest secret in habit success in general, but even more so if you have a disorganized day-to-day life or a little minor habit disruptor I like to call KIDS!
✅ Enter the "If/Then Technique";
This is simply having a clear backup plan for when your desired habits get disrupted.
IF I can't do X, THEN I will do Y.
Here's how I approach this as a mom of two kids aged 4 and 6.
I have set up my habits loops with 3 levels.
🔥 Ideal scenario - nothing is disrupted and I can carry out my two habit loops as I've outlined above.
🌤️ Medium scenario - I have to take a kid to the doctor so I have to adjust the time of the habits and maybe shorten them a little.
🤢 “All hell breaks loose" scenario - the kids are sick and I can't really do anything. Then I just do my habit MVPs and do 5 minutes of movement and one guided meditation and am very kind to myself.
Does this all sound complicated? Do you wanna give up before you even start? I don’t blame you! Keep in mind that I started experimenting with this 4 years ago. And if there's one thing you take away from this article it's:
It's OK, even PREFERRED, to start small.
I mean it. If I was coaching you to create a habit of meditating each day, I would only let you start with 5 minutes a day.
The very reason for NOT being able to create sustainable habits in the past is that I started too big. I kept setting too big goals and kept failing which set me up to think poorly of myself. This is what keeps us stuck in the “I’ll start over on Monday” or I’ll start over in the New Year” BS cycle.
If you are ready to STOP replaying on willpower and START creating rituals that will sustain your well-being for years to come, here are some questions you can ask yourself:
What MOTIVATES the habits I’m looking to create? Rewrite your motivations to incorporate the person you want to BE.
How can we release short-term/instant gratification thinking and embrace to be long-term, strategic choices?
What's one habit that feels doable, but would make a big impact if you incorporated it into your daily life? You want to be able to BUILD your confidence, especially if you have a tendency to feel like you're a failure (you're not, you just didn't have the right tools or might have been dealt a lot of "shit sandwiches").
How can you start with something that feels pretty easy that you can build upon?
Some delightfully helpful tips:
💖 Celebrate ALL the wins, big and small.
💖 We overestimate what we can do in the short term and underestimate what we can do in the long term.
💖 Get an accountability partner.
💖 Ask for support.
💖 Believe in yourself.
💖 It's easier to create small daily habits than big weekly habits. Remember, starting small is the best way to be successful. You will keep making it more challenging over time.
M’kay, folks.
I hope this is helpful information for you!
This article was based on a topic recommendation from my dear reader Ravi. If you want to suggest a topic, you can do so in the comments.
Or, let me know what you struggle with the most when it comes to changing your behavior. I will answer you and give you support and direction.
Much love and all my blessings,
Karna 💜
If you wanna learn about willpower from a scientific point of view where there most certainly be mention of marshmallows read this or this instead.
Recommendations
Atomic Habits by James Clear
The Willpower Instinct by Kelly McGonigal
Willpower by Roy Baumeister and John Tierney
The Power of Full Engagement by Jim Loehr and Tony Schwartz
Habit Weekly Newsletter - sign up, it’s FREE
Habit Coach Professionals - Get on the waitlist
I love this post Karna.There is no doubt that habits pepped up by a ritual goes a long way in making things work for us.A morning or any ritual for that matter helps us to set in a pattern that becomes unbreakable.Thanks for this wonderful article.
One interesting thing I wanted to share.As an enginerrng student,I was pretty weak at enginerring drawing and for that matter my closest friend was very good at it.So despite the frienship,I developed jealousy towards his skill and strangely this jealousy was the motivation or the trigger that helped me to master and finally make myself good at the subject.I know jealousy is mostly considered a bad trait but it helped me to develop a schedule to master my weakness.
Thanks for this wonderful article.
Thanks so much for this thoughtful deep dive! It's encouraging to read about how you've been able to create these new habits and I feel inspired to switch my schedule up a bit. Thanks Karna!!!