You don’t have to save the world
But you have to save your inner children for the world to change
[Triger warning: Rape, war, being conned]
I woke up on Sunday with what appeared to be a massive cold. My body was dragging, my sinuses clogged, and I couldn't stop sneezing. I told my husband that he had to take our kids to the grandparents' house alone because I needed to stay home and rest.
Cooped up in bed with a mountain of tissues and a cup of ginger tea beside me I called one of my closest friends who I know can hold space as very few can. With kindness, compassion, and unconditional love. (Another time I will write about the art of holding space because I think it’s one of THE most important human skills, yet, it’s so vanishingly rare for people to have the capacity to BE with another human who’s experiencing big emotions.)
Once I heard her voice, I burst out crying. All the feelings I had been holding back that had been playing in the background that I had disassociated from came raging to the forefront.
The day before I had decided to watch The Tinder Swindler. For those not familiar with this documentary, it’s the real story of a guy who pretends to be the son of a diamond mogul who cons countless women to give him millions of dollars combined, seen from the perspective of three of his victims.
Part of me knew I probably shouldn't watch that because of my history, yet I felt compelled to do it anyway. You see, I once was swindled myself in my early 20’s. To add insult to injury, that betrayal came only months after I was raped and the money that I lost was the insurance money I had received that was earmarked to pay for my school in NYC. While I hustled and fought my way through that mad time in my life and put myself through school by waitressing, it also produced extreme amounts of shame, pain, anxiety, and, dysfunctional survival patterns.
Is there even such a thing as justice?
This Sunday, only days after Putin’s attack on Ukraine, and after being reminded of the pain I’d gone through at the hands of a narcissistic sociopath, my whole being and body rebelled and freaked out. On the phone with my friend, I was crying, screaming, sneezing, and cursing these men.
I’d say my dominant experience, once the rage subsided, was the immense feeling of powerlessness. Witnessing a whole army of abusive narcissists in the world and the hopelessness of not being able to do one damn thing about it. Wondering if there is such a thing as justice in the world – when it feels like it’s designed to shelter the abusers and shit on the kind souls. Knowing that the man who swindled me and men who raped me and my friend have gone free, probably doing the same thing to other women. Feeling the inner child’s fear of the man with the ‘big red button’ and not knowing if this is the moment he decides to push it.
My friend held me (energetically), listened to me, cried, and lamented with me. She witnessed and validated my experience and let me be where I was.
Meeting my inner child where she is at transformed my experience
On Monday morning I woke up, my physical symptoms completely gone! I still was feeling very unsettled and unfocused. I went into my bedroom, slowed down, and checked in with myself. I discovered an inner six-year-old who was super scared about war. I took a deep breath and sat down on my yoga mat, I opened my arms and let her curl up there for a long time while I was stroking her back. I tried “putting her down”, but she was clinging to me. “Big mama Karna” knew I had to sing her some songs, one of them being a tune my mother and father used to sign for me as a child back in Sweden. It translates to something like this…
“Tonight I dreamt about something I’d never dreamed of before.
I dreamt that there was peace on earth and all wars were over.
I dreamed about a giant hall where councilmen sat in rows.
They all signed a massive document and stood up and said:
There are no soldiers anymore.
There are no more guns.
And nobody knows the word military…”
Once she was ready to let go of me (it took a while), I knew I had to take my inner child work to the next level, so I got a stuffed animal, snacks and put her to bed (literally, using a pillow) and I gave her an imaginary walkman and cassette tapes of books to listen to (a fat red one with blue and green buttons, like the ones I used to have as a kid). Then, I could go about my day feeling peaceful and do my work without being disassociated and in fight or flight mode.
The things that are being triggered right now are real and important and we need to care for ourselves more deeply than ever before. We are in a massive collective crisis, but it shows up differently for all of us depending on our past experiences.
After allowing myself to:
Be witnessed and supported in my raw emotional state and get those feeling out.
Take tangible and consistent action to care for my inner child.
Differentiate my adult self from my inner child. (See Bethany Webster’s article about how to do this in the resource section.)
I have been able to take real actions in the world that I can do without depleting myself such as:
Donating to UNICEF
Supporting my family and friends who are suffering
Writing and sharing this article
Start involving myself in DEIJ activities in my community
The OLD model wants us (ESPECIALLY women, but not exclusively) to “be a good Christian”, overgive, sacrifice our needs, tolerate poor treatment, and be satisfied with crumbs. But we are not in that old world anymore – because newsflash, those things DON’T WORK and they produce exactly the kind of shit storm that we now find ourselves in.
No, this crisis is requiring us to be FIERCE. In the words of my oldest sister in the photo above, -“We have to become our OWN Super Heroes”.
Because, even though I value kindness above most human traits, if you are kind, this time is asking us to unleash our inner justice maker, and that means we have to stand up for ourselves and our values.
This is exactly what I see in the people of Ukraine. From my limited knowledge, many are showing resistance through LOVE for their free country, organizing community efforts, and having honest conversations with Russian soldiers. I don’t know how I would behave in a situation like the horrifying development in Ukraine, but I feel a tide turning. ENOUGH it says as it swells through a world tired of being abused and dominated by tyrants – big and small.
Love brings up anything unlike itself for the purpose of healing
My experience of the last year is that it’s been like a giant flashlight shining on ALL areas of my life that are impacted by narcissistic traits – from public to private, global to personal, cultural to political, environmental to situational, ancient to current – and exposing them for what they are.
The simplest way to describe them all in a few words would be: imbalanced and unjust.
One by one the rotten systems and relationships are being flipped over and revealed for what they are: The Me Too Movement, Black Lives Matter, Defund the Police and countless documentaries are coming out, exposing con-artists, politicians, rapists, musicians, cult leaders, “6-7 figure success coaches”, racists, power-hungry people EVERYWHERE. Why? Because it’s time we wake up and see this place for what is it. There’s some serious EVIL running this show, yo! (Yeah, I know, this is not fun to read about. I’m sorry, but if you keep reading we get to a more hopeful part, so just hold on a little longer – pretty please. Or take a break if that’s better for you.)
The three levels of narcissism/power dynamics we are currently forced to cope with:
1. 🌍 Planetary: In the form of power-hungry dictators, court systems, insurance companies, corporate America
2. 👥 Personal: In the form of co-workers, clients, bosses, siblings, children, parents
3. 💞 Intimately chosen: In the form of partners, spouses, business partners, lovers, and friends
We all have to decide how we are going to begin to hold all levels accountable.
For the planetary level, we could vote for the most open-minded, just, and truthful option. On the personal level, we can choose to stay in connection while also not tolerating poor treatment, we hold them accountable. And for those relationships that we have chosen, where we have determined that they are not currently willing to treat us with respect and kindness – we might have to let them go in Love.
In the evolutionary process – from a power-over society to an equitable society, we will need to find ways to hold others, who think that they can play by their own rules, accountable. We will each have to determine what this will look like. But my vision for change is when we all start standing up for ourselves and for Love, then the window for the egotistical peeps will keep closing.
Choices inspired by Love creates a life built on a solid foundation
Of course, it all can feel completely overwhelming at times. When that happens, it’s time to put the savior hat to the side and show up for yourself. That is not selfish, not bad, it’s GOOD. It’s what the world needs most of all. People who show up and do their own work and THEN take action from a calm and inspired place. I think that will create a world built on solid rock. Trying to “save the world” will keep us stuck in a house built on sand. Take it from me, trying to make a difference by hustling and working hard using your OWN strength will get you NOWHERE. (It will, however, give you a ton of lessons you can use to NOT do that again. I have every diploma in the “trying to control myself and other people” department, so I should know.)
Here are the beliefs I hedge my bets on.
⛔Warning it’s about to get (meta)physical!:
👉 God is Love.
👉 Love is the glue that holds together existence.
👉 Life is Love made manifest as a human/divine creation.
👉 That human forgets their Divine origin when born.
👉 The forgetting doesn’t change the fact that Love is the core of everything.
👉 Ancestral and current life trauma distorts reality further away from Love.
👉 Healing the trauma of the Inner Children creates a solid foundation from which to live safely in the body so that we can remember who we are.
👉 Remembering your divine origin creates the God/Human relationship as the foundation for a stable existence.
👉 Everyone is Loved equally by their creator (like a healthy mother loves her children equally no matter what they do.)
👉 I get to have boundaries with the humans who have forgotten that we are equal who want to control or “win” over me, or be right and make me wrong.
👉 I will no longer “play nice” and go along with the rules of the status quo or the old ways.
👉 I have the power to make a difference in the world from that stable place.
👉 I will keep making mistakes and growing and learning and everyone else will too.
👉 The world doesn't need saving. It’s already “saved”. (Non-linear time. Alpha-Omega. The snake biting its own tail – and all that!).
👉 My best contribution to the world starts within me and ripples out from there.
I’m not saying you have to believe what I believe. But I do know this, you’re going to need your own version of why being human is worth it to find peace and the ability to accept what is going down right now.
💕 And for the record, I’m not here to tell you that my way is the only way, I’m here to be in a respectful relationship with you and to be curious together as we keep learning how to be Love in action.
Are you OK? I know it’s been sooo intense lately. (Especially for you, my fellow sensitive, uber empathetic people.) We are in this together, friend. Baby steps and one day at a time (sometimes one hour, or minute). Get plenty of rest, nature time, hydration, and you have full permission to stop taking in too much news or social media in case you need that.
I thank you for all the things you are doing for yourself, others, and our beautiful planet. I want you to know that you matter and you are enough.
Let me know one thing in the comments from this article that made you feel something or that you found useful. You can also share it with a friend who might find this helpful.
Much love,
Karna 💜
Resources:
Bethany Webster’s Inner Child Healing Exercises: Differentiate and Validate
The inner child narrative is like a lens through which we see our adult lives and situations, causing distortions of how we see the world and ourselves. Working with your inner child is a deeply healing and restorative practice that helps build new narratives and cognitive patterns. It is part of the path to healing the Mother Wound. Explore the inner child healing exercises in this article to affirm your inner child that things are different now and to build resilience in adulthood.
Here's a 3-step model for identifying something you can do
(even and ESPECIALLY when you feel overwhelmed and too small to make a difference):
The feelings of helplessness and overwhelm contain good information. They're a cue. They tell us to look for people who are already working in this space because they have the knowledge and networks to make things happen.
So, research the helpers and the experts already doing the work.
Then look at your talents and competencies and resources (152 followers on Instagram is a resource!) and see what you've got that they might most need. If you're a caterer, maybe you cater an event that's raising money for an org you want to support. If you're an artist, maybe you take to the canvas and translate your pain into a powerful image. If you're a publicist, maybe you publicize their gala. If you've got a workshop or a product, maybe you donate proceeds from your sales to their organization. If you're outlandishly famous, maybe you become their ambassador. If you've got a TV show or a podcast, maybe you dedicate some airtime to them. If you've got $10 on your credit card, maybe you send it their way. If you've got a phone, maybe you text the numbers they're asking you to text.
We've all got something to offer and it's when we offer them, one-by-one and en-masse, that we make a difference.
A deeply moving video of young soldiers who don’t know they are going to war to kill innocent people and their experiences.
Very hard hitting and raw Karna.This writing is going to stay with me for a long time.Thanks for sharing your resilence.
Thank you for sharing this. You are an amazing human. I am blessed to be doing this journey with you!