Boy, did I have high hopes for this Christmas. It was going to be SO magical, SO relaxing, and SO restorative. (What was I thinking 🤦🏻♀️.)
It got off to a rocky start when we lost electricity and couldn’t make the Swedish holiday foods, and more importantly, the kids could not watch their shows… The emotions were running higher than our neighbor’s one thousand Christmas lights, and I had to activate all my inner and outer mothering tools to get through it.
It was pretty much downhill from there which culminated on Thursday when I woke up in the night and had a panic attack.
For those of you who’s experienced this, I am genuinely sorry, it’s so frightening. And if you haven’t – here’s what it was like for me.
I started wondering if the fatigue I was feeling was a sign that there was something deeper that was wrong with me; I thought of my friend who had just lost her new home in a fire, I recalled my friend Leanne’s brain cancer diagnosis and then…my brain started folding in on itself. Heat spread through my brain halves like liquid light, and my heart was pounding. My chest felt crushed, like an invisible demon had made its nest on top of me, and I had difficulty seeing. Pure doom and despair filled my being. Was I having a stroke?
Part of me doesn’t want to share this publicly.
If you follow me on social media, you would have no idea this happened because I don’t enjoy sharing sensitive information in that forum. If you care enough about my words to subscribe here, that feels like a safer way to share vulnerable aspects of my life.
The truth is that I want to do my part in normalizing what healing from trauma looks like, and often it’s ugly and un-Instagrammable. My biggest fear in those moments is that I’m somehow broken and irredeemable and that I will get stuck there and not get back to Love and Peace.
But then a true post-Christmas miracle actually happened.
I remembered to reach out to my friends and supporters.
And they all said the same phrase to me (five people to be exact):
✨ YOU ARE NOT ALONE.✨
I can’t think of a better guiding light to bring into 2023. When I feel into what’s unfolding in my life and my work, it’s the feeling of TOGETHER. Of really leaning into the strength of the community forged in the hardship of the last few years (and beyond.)
The truth is, I cannot do this alone.
The same way I instinctively dragged myself up the stairs during my panic attack and let my husband support me through it with his soothing voice and a warm hand on my chest, the same way I will call on my invisible and visible support teams in 2023 and really allow myself to stop fighting this fight alone.
Because I know that I can’t do this using my own strength.
I am ready to let myself be Loved even when I’m ugly crying, sweating, have wrinkles, belly fat rolls, and when I’m falling apart. I am ready to have faith in the eternal Love at my absolute darkest when there is no evidence of Light inside me; I let myself be held by the Love outside me until I am back in a place where I can touch back into the solid ground of Love.
This Christmas week humbled me. And for that, I am grateful. It sucked balls. But I can feel that one layer of the armor that I had to keep others outside me has melted.
I welcome you to melt into 2023 with me knowing that you are never alone. No matter how dark it may seem at times.
Much love 💜
Karna
You are not alone in experiencing this. Truly you are extremely blessed to have others with you who you can depend on in these situations. I was not so lucky, I was truly alone when I experienced this. All others had abandoned me, truly the lowest point of my life. I was 22 years old.
I called out to Jesus in that moment of terror and life has never been the same for me since. The demon is the evil present in our souls, I agree with your assessment that it is generational as there were parts present that I was not even aware of. I believe that for some people the battle between good and evil is more concrete than others, perhaps because they are more sensitive?
In this "dark night of the soul" we reveal the core of who we truly are, all pretense shattered in seconds. Our submission reveals to whom we belong. Are we wheat or tares? Light or dark? Love or hate?
Although, I hope you never have to experience abandonment as I have, I share this with you so you can find comfort in these moments of terror even if everyone else abandons you. Rely on God, instead of men. Men will fail you. Jesus never changes and his word is his bond. Thank you for sharing this, you aren't alone as well.
Thank you dear! Me too!!