40 State of the Union

Musings about aging, sex, spirituality, and beyond

Wow, bitch made it to 40.

I’d like to reflect on aging and take stock of what’s alive in me right now.

🌊 Let’s dive in. 🌊

Aging

To be honest, I really thought I’d be exempt from having to deal with aging issues. I’ve always been very youthful, energetic, and vibrant (while ALSO struggling with fatigue from being a parentified child of emotionally immature parents and having my own two kids back-to-back). I’ve also aged relatively slowly in my physical appearance. 

I knew early that the place that would betray me would be the skin on my décolletage. I burned that skin more times than I can count – slathering it with oil for a decade certainly didn’t help. I’m also an emphatic side-sleeper, which adds to the wrinkles. Once I became obsessed with all things skin in my early 30s, I knew this would be my problem area. And it is; I wake up daily, inspect the ridges on my chest, and feel slightly defeated. Knowing all too well that it’s not getting better from here. 

The other areas I’m eyeing are the wrinkles on my forehead, between my eyebrows, and the hollowness under my eyes. I know this is the time to start the Botox NOW if I’m going to. It wouldn’t take that much… and obviously, I know fillers under my eyes would fill out the hollowness. Still, I hesitate to do anything.

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It’s hard for me not to compare myself to people on Instagram. Even though I KNOW nothing is real, everything is tuned and filtered, and it still pokes at me constantly. I’m so curious about why I desire to look younger. My husband is 20 years older, for crying out loud, and my friends don’t care. I’m not famous; I live in the woods of New Hampshire with bears for neighbors, and I’m not in a business where looking young is necessary to be successful. I know youth obsession is in the culture EVERYWHERE, and it’s impossible to escape it. So, I do what I can do. I stay curious about what is the right thing for me.

There’s also an opposite drive in me—one that desires to allow my body to age naturally and do what it wants. I look at women like Isabella Rossellini, Andy McDowell, Jamie Lee Curtis, Diane Keaton, Justine Bateman, and Pamela Anderson and feel mesmerized and invigorated by their striking beauty, presence, and power. 

So far, I haven’t had anything “done” to my face, but I’m not sure what I will decide to do moving forward. I’m choosing to take it day by day.  I’m leaning toward au naturelle at the moment, and I fiercely believe in every person’s right to decide what’s right for them regarding their bodies. Body autonomy, above all!

Pamela Anderson - Arnold Jerocki/Getty Images

Being

I’m amazed at how different I feel about myself these days. I used to have so much anxiety, self-hatred, and shame. I was so critical of myself, always examining my behaviors and trying to “make myself” better so that people would like me.

Where I am today in myself, after my long healing journey to remember my essence, my soul, and my innocence, is a place of infinite self-love and a feeling of being right—acceptance of my shortcomings and flaws, and more recently, of my beauty and brilliance. 

I wish everyone in the world could feel safe enough to stop from time to time and just exist in the pool of knowing how loved they are—that they are life itself. 

I still forget to trust in life’s innate goodness. I think I need to struggle and fight for my survival, and then I find my back to the truth and can relax there. Thank goodness for aging and the relentless commitment I’ve had to push into all my hurt places so that I can now reach the zero point of stillness and everythingness. 

If you’ve followed me on my Susbtack journey, you know that last year, I also battled extreme anxiety and panic attacks. I typically have to practice going slow every hour of every day to manage to stay in the love and peace of the present moment.

Slow and steady, baby.

Beliefs

I look at my twenties and laugh at how I gathered new beliefs, grabbing fistfuls of ideas and just believing them point blank.

• I can manifest my dream life.

• Everything is a Projection.

• There’s no evil. Everything is love.

• When I am spiritually awakened, I will be able to be around every kind of human and not be triggered.

• Etc, etc.

Fast forward to now. I am much more selective about my beliefs. My current beliefs about God and spirituality, if it can’t work for people in places like Gaza and Haiti, it’s probably BS. And it’s probably a truth that’s been twisted to make someone a lot of money, influence, sex, or power.

I may be a wee bit weary after seeing the shadow side in too many spiritual leaders, teachers, and figures. Sigh. After years of wanting to find an enlightened teacher that I could follow, I’ve realized that the guidance I seek is my older self, the wisdom of indigenous teachings, community, sisterhood, and God. All people have come down from their pedestals. Mostly, I have stopped looking for my salvation “out there.” 

My main beliefs can be distilled down to:

• Love is the most powerful force in the Universe.

• I am Love.

• Do unto others as I’d like it done unto me.

• Healthy boundaries are the bedrock of safe and healthy relationships for everyone.

• I can only save myself; codependence is a path to captivity and disempowerment for everyone involved.

• Jesus loves me. Yes, he does.

• I belong to nature and the more than human world.

• I can trust the Unfolding of my life.

Meet Brandi Bernoskie - who helped make me and my business thrive!

Career 

What a fascinating elevated idea we’ve created about how a “Career” makes you a more important human. Lol. This type of status symbol feels absurd to me now. Show me how you live your life and treat others, animals, and the earth, and maybe I’ll be curious about your career.

It’s the same for me. I so badly wanted to prove my worth by being successful in business and making money to be safe.  Now, it all feels like a sick joke—like a bait-and-switch. Focus here so you forget about what’s actually important in life.

Once I learned how not to abandon myself, let go of control, and walk forward (to the best of my ability) with faith that I could trust Life’s Unfolding, my “career” took off. I guess I could count myself as a pretty “successful” business owner at this point in time. But frankly, I want to serve Love more than anything. I also want to have enough money to eat organic, live well, invest, save, travel, and be free to spend on whatever I want. The money that comes from my career is important, but it is just not enough in and of itself. 

If I could build what I have today from where I was mentally and spiritually (and codependently) in my 30s, I’m excited and a little terrified about what I’ll be able to create in my 40s. Consider yourself warned. 🐉😅

Healing

If there’s one thing I want others to know about healing. It’s this:

Whatever symptoms you’re experiencing, they are not an expression of something wrong. You are not faulty, damaged, or “less than.”

Your symptom is your body’s wisdom showing you the way home.

I’ve had a lot of mental health flare-ups this past year, and for a while, I thought my panic attacks, anxiety, and pain were signs of me being sick. Now, I perceive these symptoms as normal signs that I had a lot of trauma in my past, and it’s time to turn toward them to heal the source wounds. 

And I have, with the help of God, medication, nature, my ancestors, and fellow humans. I am definitely not alone. 

Photo by devn on Unsplash

Politics

Oh, where to begin? 

For context, I am highly empathetic and have a history of anxiety and panic attacks, and thus, I have to be careful with how much news and information I take in. I am somewhat informed about what’s happening politically and globally, and I try to receive information from various trustworthy sources to the best of my ability. 

After becoming American in January, I can now vote. Once again, my choices are Joe Biden and Donald Trump. What the actual FUCK. Having Donald on the ballot with his sordid criminal history and this many active court cases feels like the perfect mirror image of how patriarchy and capitalism permeate every facet of our society. 

The issues closest to my heart are women’s rights, including abortion rights, climate change, immigration, LGBTQIA+ rights, racism, the wars in Gaza and Ukraine, conflict in Haiti (etc), education, and the taxation of the wealthy. 

The candidate that aligns most with my values is Joe Biden. So, with a heavy heart, I will vote for him. Heavy because of his support of Netanyahu and the slaughter of the people of Gaza. 

To my Jewish friends reading this. My deep despair about how the war in Gaza has unfolded has nothing to do with hate or disregard for the suffering of the Jewish people. I know that antisemitism is on the rise, and I speak out against that whenever I am able. I want the end of any killings of Jewish people, and I want any hostages released and safety for the Jewish people. 

Personally, I find the current global conditions so dire that I’m not sure humanity will be able to turn this around. We will need a miracle. Luckily for me, I believe in miracles. 

Looking at the political climate we exist in, I am forced to face the ramifications of what the hetero-patriarchal, colonialist, capitalist systems we have put at the center of human civilization have brought us.

A complete disregard for human life. Religious extremism. Rampant misogyny and fear of anything beyond the binary gender constructions. Sociopaths and narcissists in top leadership positions. Corporate greed running the political puppets and courts. Etc, etc. 

I believe in the redemptive power of Love, and I long for humanity to coexist peacefully on this planet. Surrendering to my nihilist aspects is not an option for me because I have kids, and it also doesn’t allow me to thrive in my daily life. 

So, I’ve hedged all my bets on Love. I’ll do my part in preserving the democracy we still have while focusing my time on being love in action and exploring an alternative way to live and do business called Elevation Ecosystem. (Stay tuned for more information about this exploration I’m doing with Kara Valentine and the other members of Alignment Sanctuary.)

Pregnant with our first child in 2017

Relationships 

How I do relationships has vastly changed in the last few years as I have come to understand and heal my codependent survival personality.

Since I grew up in a dramatic and disorganized environment, I’ve sought out relationships in the past that have kept me in a similar heightened state.

I’ve come to understand that I was addicted to the hormones that my body produced while in drama-filled relationships, and learning to live without them in my system has taken me YEARS!

In the last two years, I made the difficult choice to take a break from my parents to be able to heal. I’ve also had to let go of important relationships when it’s become clear they are not interested in a non-hierarchal, respectful relationship. The grief I’ve had to live with in the wake of letting go and choosing myself first has been debilitating at times but ultimately so liberating! I hope that my choices will bring liberation to others as well. 

My current relationships, both personally and professionally, are beyond the wildest dreams of my inner child, teenager, and 20-something.

I’m so freaking delighted to report: it works! All the healing, hard conversations, boundary setting, journaling, therapy, (and beyond) have given me the inner clarity and understanding to be able to create healthy, mutually beneficial, and benevolent relationships!! 

I’m currently working with my therapist to be able to allow myself to exist in peace and comfort.

Sex

I can’t really go into my 40s without talking dirty to ya. 💦

I always heard people and magazines say that women’s sexuality peaks in their 40s. I was always hopeful that was true. Women around me said the same. Now I know what they were talking about!

Praise be my fellow humans. After decades of fucking for fun, obligation, self-worth, desire, and connection I am now able to be in my body and surrender to pleasure and deep intimacy. Biy, does it not look how I thought “good sex” was supposed to be.

I cry with joy at being able to write this. I’ve carried so much pain, shame, and confusion around sex and my sexuality. Now, the fog is clearing, and I am walking through a door to a new land of sexploration. I’m so grateful and excited to - as ChatGPT would say - embark on this adventure.  😂 

After dragging my husband to various Tantra courses and events, orgasmic meditation, and countless other interventions, the big shift in our intimate life happened after I decided to take a break from my father.

Once I was no longer enmeshed in his emotionally abusive web, I was suddenly able to connect with my man in a way I had only dreamed of before. I am sure there were other contributing factors, but I genuinely believe this was the defining element of the shift.

Photo by Robert Larsson on Unsplash

Wisdom

Well, I dare say I’ve accumulated a little bit of this rare (it seems these days) commodity.

Here are a few highlights:

• Understanding how to regulate and co-regulate your nervous system is a non-negotiable for a functional and good life in this super insane world. Breathing and love from caring humans are two of the quickest ways back “home.”

• Only surround yourself with people willing to give you the benefit of the doubt.

• It’s ok to walk away from people who cause you pain. You don’t have to become so spiritually enlightened that you can be around any kind of energy. In fact, believing this is often a trap. 

• A healthy relationship is one in which both parties take responsibility for their own needs and actions and are willing to work to grow. Anything less is unsustainable and harms both parties.

• It’s essential to work on your relationship with money. Putting your head in the sand won’t solve anything or create the life you truly desire. If you have been putting this work off, this is your sign to prioritize it. (Message me if you need helpful pointers.)

• Colonialist, hereto-patriarchal capitalism has infiltrated everything, and it’s our job to undo its harm or perish. I believe we need to embrace indigenous wisdom to accomplish this. 

• Surrounding yourself with people who can give and receive boundaries is imperative. 

• Stay away from people who do not know how to receive a no, how to apologize, or who play the blame game. They will drain your life force, and you need that shit.

• Time with nature is a prerequisite for mental health.

• Spend time with your wounded child AND your wondrous inner child if possible.

• If people ask for advice, don’t give it. Instead, listen to them so deeply and believe in them so fiercely that they begin hearing themselves again. They always have their own answers inside.

• Love as hard as you can, as soft as you can, and as deep and as wide while remembering to honor God/goddess, yourself, and others by setting bold and beautiful boundaries. No one else will do it for you. You are all you got. 

• It doesn’t matter what people think about you as long as you like yourself. Life is waaaaaay to short to not mature out of the space of need for validation.

• Do have a small number of vetted, trusted people who call you out of any BS when needed and care deeply about what they think about you because you respect them so much. 

• Make room in your life for messy, unproductive, wild art and creativity. 

• Going slow is the fastest path to what you desire.

• Action creates motivation–not the other way around.

• Only make decisions when you can do so with a calm body and mind. Failure to adhere to this rule will cause you unfathomable amounts of suffering. Prove me wrong! 

• Social media is a lie. But we can take our power back by using it consciously (or not at all)!

• Weightlifting is the shit.

• Fermented foods and Adapotogens help with being in a body.  (Get Rasa coffee!)

• Water is life. Drink good quality water! 

• Ice baths cannot cure everything, but they can help sometimes. 

• Be silly more often and take yourself way less seriously. We will all be dead soon, and now is the time to LIVE with abandon. 

• Always have good snacks at hand.

• I hope you daaaaaaaaaaaance! 💃 🕺

Ok, folks, that’s what I got time for. This article only took two months to write. 😂

I am sending so much love your way!

What reflections, questions, or thoughts does your age bring up for YOU? Let us know in the comments.

Live Now,

Karna

P.S. I haven’t been able to write here as much as I would like to in the past eight weeks since I have been creating the material for one new workshop per week for Imperfect Impact. What was I thinking? Phew! I only have one more workshop to go. Send me good vibes. ✨

Photos by Bryce Ell