Becoming the sun of your own solar system
When you've been taught to be peripheral
Imagine our solar system. See the sun in the middle and the planets orbiting around them. See the interdependent planets orbiting around a massive sun that generates life on earth through its warmth and light.
Like this! (You might need to wait a few seconds for this gif to load…)
Now ask yourself:
If my life was modeled after the solar system, what would be the equivalent of the sun in MY life?
What is everything orbiting around?
Is it being a good parent?
Being healthy?
Being successful?
Next, let’s imagine that the planets closest to the sun represented the OTHER things that occupy your mind, in order of importance - what values do the planets represent?
Being fit?
Being less anxious?
Looking like you got your shit together?
Paying your dang bills?
When I play with this model in my mind, a healthy version would be that the sun and closest planets would be representative of the things that make me feel whole, alive, and good. That fills MY very personal needs and nourishes my soul, body, mind, and being.
But then I think about myself at the unhealthiest times of my life. (Ouch. Yuck. Blech. Waaah!)
And I think to myself what’s actually occupied the center of my life and the nearest planets these are the things that come to mind:
Being thin - so, diet culture.
Being rich - so, capitalism.
Being successful - so patriarchy.
People-pleasing - so, codependence.
Being productive - so, more patriarchy.
Avoiding pain and managing anxiety- so, trauma.
Self-hatred and self-punishment - so, survival strategies from being a woman in a patriarchal culture and trauma.
Being successful and connected on social media - more capitalism.
I *really* thought that if I got it right, if I worked hard enough, if I controlled myself, pleased enough people that I would be granted a golden ticket back to the center of my universe and I’d finally be able to feel safe, happy, and at peace.
But it didn’t work!!!
When I lived my life from that place, I was more of a peripheral ghost rushing across the sky. I, my true self that feels valid in simple existing, was more like Pluto — a has-been planet at the outskirts of the solar system.
As I’m writing this, I’ve had real moments of peace in my life. Not always, but enough times that another way of existing feels real.
From where I sit now, it feels more like I’m in the eye of the storm, or the sun center of my life. I’m making choices not based on fear, scarcity, avoidance, and short-term gain.
From here, my desires, drives, and motives have radically changed!
I used to want a “multi six-figure business”
I used to want to “be skinny”
I used to want to “be liked”
I used to want to “fix (or save) everything and everyone”
(Funny story - I accomplished all those things and was not fulfilled or happy.)
And part of me still sort of wants that. But a deeper, more true part of me, wants:
To go at my own pace and have space to rest.
To wait to act until I feel moved or inspired.
To make an honest living from my soul gifts without sacrificing my sanity.
To relish and appreciate what I already have!
To move my body the way she wants to move.
To not project an image of perfection to the external world and contribute to the comparison plight we’re being subjected to or FLEB.
To BE there with others in their time of need or celebration.
It’s like I’ve woken up from a bad patriarchal/capitalist/exploitative/trauma-propellered nightmare and now am looking around like WTF are we all even doing rn?!?
Nah! There’s a better way, and I believe one important step to a healthy and good life in the midst of this chaos is to look at the false gods that have been running our lives…
That shit ain’t working no more and I have a strong feeling it’s about to get even harder to keep with the “old ways”.
Of course, being able to dethrone the Thors and the Zeus’ from our inner worlds require a lot of work, and usually, some level of existing privilege.
Committing to doing my inner work (or reorienting myself back to the middle of my own solar system) has cost me more than I can share today. Many, many parts of me have had to die and be willingly sacrificed in the process.
Life on MY terms.
ME in control.
How I think it should go.
Important relationships.
My career.
My timeline.
Looking put-together.
Because the magnificent irony of it all is now as I’ve spent the better part of a year dismantling, de-robing, and de-throwning the inner false prophets asking me to chase fame, fortune, fitness, meaning, control, and expressing a hetero-normative sexuality.
Now that love, faith, forgiveness, good boundaries, compassion, slowness, and trust has settled in a little more - I find that the center of myself is in relationship to a larger self (I talk about this topic in more depth here) and that it’s in the relationship within I find my strength and motivation to exist in a different form than to CONFORM to the existing traumatizing cultural norms.
The virality of love
I realize that thus far I could maybe pass as a regular “new age teacher” preaching an ego-centric, self-serving way of life, but that is not so.
Because I have a strong knowing that when we hook into the life force current that I’m experiencing now and the other way of living I’m trying to articulate in this article, the next step is walking in the world and our communities as a resource, an inspiration, and a force for good from wholeness and presence – not forcing or trying.
Because, there’s more in life than “Omnicron” that’s mega contagious, namely AUTHENTIC EMBODIED PEOPLE living from their true center.
As I see people around me doing the hard work of reorienting away from trauma and old systems of oppression they typically lean into some form of service – but how this expresses looks very different for everyone. And I’m not talking about “being fabulous and rich and teaching others they can too…” no, I’m talking about giving their soul gift to the world in a way that benefits the whole in a healthy way.
We’re birthing a new way of existing here on earth together and much like birthing a child - part of the labor is absolutely excruciating (I birthed two at home, I should know) and that’s how many of my people are experiencing this year.
While I have been praying that this is the crowning part of labor (the hardest aspect of birthing for me) I’m more and more surrendering to the idea that life now is more like an endless form of contractions, and that like contractions, there are natural parts of tightening and pain and other parts that are calm and blissful. And maybe the only birth to look forward to is when we actually die.
I know, I’m always so cheery!!
To keep with my birthing analogy, each of us has to birth our OWN life but the process gets easier with the right support and witnesses to your process. Just like when giving birth to a child.
Permission slip granted
In case you’ve been looking for a sign or a permission slip to get unconventional and weird, just fucking GO FOR WHAT YOU WANT and not be on social media, or not be friends with someone who treats you badly, or to stop dieting, or to stop chasing something outside of you and actually occupy the CENTER of YOUR solar system - This is it!
You got what it takes. You are in truth valued, valuable, gorgeous, and *just right* the way you are.
So let’s take a breath together, shed what’s no longer true, and step into our power and presence.
Or you can block off two days on your calendar to sleep and cry if that’s what you need.
Look at you shining so brightly in the midst of deepest darkness.
Love,
Karna (and Zoe - my daily radical inspiration)
Simple, free ways to get closer to your center
Move your body in any form - fitness culture has taught us movement has to ve intense or a certain length, but this is NOT true. ANy form of movement works: walking, dancing, intuitive stretching and yoga movements, cleaning - all are good.
Drink water and other warm beverages. Make sure you have all your favorite teas, kombuchas, coffees available to enjoy at any time. (Easy on the caffeine!)
Call a friend/family member that is good at holding space and asking good questions.
Laugh! What are the ways you get to a belly laugh? Memes, movies, a friend, comedy, a podcast? Laughter is cathartic much like tears are. Here are or one and two guaranteed laughs.
Cry. If you can’t get to the tears (like me), watch a sad movie to get them going.
Scream. In the car or a pillow works great.
Journal or record yourself a voice note. Do not underestimate the medicine of truly being curious about yourself and listening to yourself.
Be with nature. Consensus is clear. Any form of nature communion is soothing to the soul.
Resources
My dear and veeery picky friend and entrepreneur colleague Brandi has recommended these two books to me and I hope you will like them as much as I do.
If you’re feeling burned out and want to begin healing, try Burnout: The Secret to Unlocking the Stress Cycle by Emily Nagoski, PhD and Amelia Nagoski, DMA.
If you’re more curious how to recover from patriarchy she recommends Patriarchy Stress Disorder by Dr Valerie Rein.
And for understanding the root of how patriarchy is holding YOU back I recommend Discovering the Inner Mother by my personal shero Bethany Webster.
To begin healing trauma The Body Keeps the Score by Bessel van der Kolk is a classic.
This is so beautiful! As a wise psychoanalyst/shaman in nyc told me: Come down from Olympus. We are human. We rhumba. I love you!