Does fear of death dictate our choices and we don’t even know it?
How generational trauma keeps up trapped in a fear prison and how Jesus might help
I feel very vulnerable sharing this article. I don’t particularly like sharing about my inner processes because they are what the muggles of the world would call *weird AF*, but I feel inspired to share this, and it’s a little scary.
*Deep breaths.*
In my New Age circles, I sense a renaissance of Jesus coming from many different directions.
From Doreen Virtue’s claiming of Jesus as her one true savior to Sophie Strand’s “The Flowering Wand,” the love and mythology of Yeshua are seemingly on the rise.
I’m one of the big fans.
I am far from a religious scholar of any kind, but I’m keenly fascinated by Spirituality and healing in many forms, and Jesus has been a reoccurring figure in my life.
Today I hope you will participate in a little thought experiment with me. I want to go on a journey to explore Jesus’ role in my healing process and that of humanity at large. Note I’m not a therapist, trauma expert, or Biblical expert, so proceed with caution.
This text was inspired by one of the profound healing experiences I’ve recently had with my friend of 17 years, Katrina, who is a keen student of the Bible (she’s also my client, and you can see her work here.)
After exploring a pattern that’s been recurring in my life, I realized that the underlying belief was “I’m not enough.” And after some continued exploration, learning that underneath that belief was the fear of Death.
What follows is an Odyssey through the valley of Death all the way to Eternal Life. Buckle up, and let’s go for a ride.
Evil-schmevil
As a person who grew up in the secular country of Sweden, the Christian fascination with good and evil has always seemed a bit too much.
Swedish Christianity has a much milder “the Bible is a helpful metaphor/story” approach and is selective in applying its teachings to modern life.
When I encountered American Bible-thumping Christianity and repeatedly found mentions of spiritual warfare against the demonic realm, I recoiled in disbelief that anyone would believe such nonsense.
I’ve been more comfortable looking at the world through a mental illness/trauma lens, which explains the horrific behavior of humans by looking at people who are abusive to others as having a mental illness often derived from an abusive background compounded by the trauma they experienced my previous generation through epigenetic expressions.
“A growing body of research suggests that trauma (like from childhood abuse, family violence, or food insecurity, among many other things) can be passed from one generation to the next.
Here’s how: Trauma can leave a chemical mark on a person’s genes, which can then be passed down to future generations. This mark doesn’t cause a genetic mutation, but it does alter the mechanism by which the gene is expressed. This alteration is not genetic, but epigenetic.”
But I’ve recently become keenly aware of the Biblical parallel that the ‘sins of the fathers are passed down through the generations’.
As seen in Numbers 14:18
‘The Lord is slow to anger and abounding in steadfast love, forgiving iniquity and transgression, but he will by no means clear the guilty, visiting the iniquity of the fathers on the children, to the third and the fourth generation.’
But I’ve also become keenly aware that the God of the Bible expects each individual to be responsible for their own thoughts, deeds, and actions in the world.
As seen in Ezekiel 18:19-20
“Yet you say, ‘Why should not the son suffer for the iniquity of the father?’ When the son has done what is just and right, and has been careful to observe all my statutes, he shall surely live. The soul who sins shall die. The son shall not suffer for the iniquity of the father, nor the father suffer for the iniquity of the son. The righteousness of the righteous shall be upon himself, and the wickedness of the wicked shall be upon himself.)
Are you still reading?! Well done, you got through some Bible verses!! I know they can be confusing / triggering.
Ok, onward.
As I was digging into the core beliefs that were at the root of an unwanted pattern popping up everywhere in my life, I finally was willing, with the comforting safety of Katrina by my side, to look at its dark core.
At one point in the healing journey, she asked me: Could you just sit in your fear of death?
I bravely went straight into that place and sobbed for what felt like an eternity. I remembered being a small child terrified of death, scared to close my eyes at night because falling asleep felt like dying. It felt like a part of me and not something that could leave or heal since there is, like for so many of us, intense trauma experienced on both sides of my family. It’s clear that I came into this world with this deep, primal fear – it’s in my epigenetic stream.
This time, going into that dark fear, it felt different. It didn’t feel like the truth about me at my core. It felt like a dark ENTITY obscuring the truth of my being.
Here things get a little uncomfortable and murky for my secular self. An entity? A demon? Really…?! I don’t know exactly what this thing /is/was. But it felt like a) it was not happy to be seen and b) it did not want to leave its cozy home of 38 years—my belly.
Naturally, Katrina did what Katrina does best. She told that thing to leave and never come back in the name of Christ.
At this point in my life, I was so tired of living with Terror that I was willing to try anything, so I also sent that thing flying in the name of my pal, Jesus.
Fear of the Unknown as a means of control
The experience that followed was so intimate that it is hard to put it into words…but it felt like I was flooded by warmth, love, and belonging. I felt like I could melt into the lap of Yeshua and finally rest in peace.
Visions flashed before my eyes. Here’s what I saw.
Zooming out on the world, I saw that there was not one living human that had not been infected by the fear of death.
(I’ve noticed that it’s all the rage in New Age/Ascension circles to claim that you’re not afraid of dying since you are now a Sovereign beacon of light unto the world and ego-free or whatever. I think there are very few who are truly at that level, but many who pretend to be.)
It dawned on me. No one, not even Tyler Henry, knows what truly happens when we die. I’m sure some near-death people have gotten glimpses, but as a general whole, we simply do not know.
This monstrous Unknown has, for those who figured this out, been the most powerful tool to manipulate people and gain earthly power and control. Some dudes realized that on the canvas of “we don’t know what happens when we die,” they could paint horrific images. Then, they could make up the rules as to how you can avoid the heinous fate of ending up in their made-up terrible death place (hell).
So fucking clever, y’all!! Because you can never get found out that you’re lying.
Imagine weekly long-ass indoctrination of everyone into this fear-mongering “reality” every Sunday for thousands of years and generation after generation. (And for those who didn’t have this in their culture already, colonialism/imperialism proved to be a nifty trauma-spreading tool to keep this lie going!)
Plus, everyone around you kept dying all the time, and life was pretty miserable with all the misgrowth, famines, plagues, and lack of modern medicine, so the idea you could spend an eternity in the afterlife in heaven must have been the Opioids of the Dark Ages! And on the other hand, the threat of having to keep living in a hellacious (or worse) forever place underground must have been insanely scary.
So, we got a deep, unspoken, lifelong, secret alliance with death as the ultimate boogeyman. Without us knowing it, I believe that this fear, at its core, influences many choices we make.
I saw that this “fear of death entity” I found inside myself is brilliant too. It doesn’t matter to IT if you have “other lovers” and make conscious choices from love and truth. As long as you, at the deepest level of your being, think that death (and darkness and destruction) is bigger than Love, light, and goodness – it won’t make itself known, but just rule you from the deep.
Remember, your conscious mind often doesn’t even know about this contract with fear of death.
Your conscious mind is posting cute photos of your latest outfit and can’t for the life of it figure out why you keep ending up in the same dysfunctional relationships over and over again. On the other hand, when you get close to exposing this deep fear, prepare for encountering life situations that will trigger the most terrifying fears from your past to keep you from trying to face it head-on. This thing knows how to stay Master. Make no mistake about it.
Cue Jesus
I imagine that this unspoken cellular fear contract is very much like a mutating virus. It survives through generations and mutates to stay alive. So what can a God do to help us save ourselves?
You guessed it! Enter Jesus.
So our dear God loves us so much that they infect us with the virus AND provide the antidote so that we will get the whole smorgasbord of earth experiences and what happens when we try to run this place based on human desires. Cool.
The only catch? (You know there’s always a catch, right?)
That YOU have to choose to accept it. You have to be willing to be uncomfortable for so fucking long (#Job) until you can find the way to cultivate even half the size of a mustard seed of faith that will allow you to choose Love, compassion, and patience in the midst of a world that will have you distracting yourself with accumulating stuff, comparing yourself, and harboring hate against yourself, and therefore others.
Why is the mythology of Jesus the way it is?
(I don’t know much about this part, so forgive me if I’m botching something.)
It seems to me like the mythology of Jesus needed him to be born from a virgin so that he will NOT contract the father's sins. He will come straight from the heart of God, who will send their only son to inject humanity with the hope of redemption and through him willingly giving his life because he loves us so much that for both God and Jesus, the sacrifice of Jesus’ life is a price they are willing to pay, even though it’s still painful, they willingly make it.
Then, Jesus must come back from being dead and live again to show us that this death that we have been told to fear is a false “God.” And that in trusting in Love despite the mounting evidence of Hate and evil deeds, we will have ‘‘eternal life’.
In other words, we have the opportunity, as individuals, to transcend the “fear of death” within us in which we subconsciously agree that death is stronger than everything and use the strength of God and Jesus’ sacrifice to know that we are loved, forgiven, cherished, valued, and worthy despite our human shortcomings and that we may rest and abide in the heart of God now, and for eternity. Whether dead or alive, we are claimed and owned by Love and will “live” forever.
These are my reflections post-spiritual surgery.
The peace and love I felt after having these visions seem to be a compelling reason to keep Yeshua in my life. But what the heck do I know?! Vanishingly little. But this aspect of healing seems essential.
I don’t know how much or what the Bible says is true. I don’t know if I’m making any sense to anyone else. But I know I have more peace, and I feel more love and compassion for myself and everyone on it, including the “baddies.” I don’t want them near me right now (healthy boundaries are love!!), but I feel more freedom from judgment and hate.
And that’s why this path seems worth pursuing. I want us all to be free, loved, and feel safe to exist. I want only the best for you AND me.
I wonder if YOU ever think of these things? Do you have any relationship with or thoughts about Jesus? Do you believe in Evil? What’s your relationship with death? I’d love to know in the comments, or you can email me back.
I also invite you to like and comment on this post (if you feel like it) so that it signals to others that it might be worth the read.
Big blessings,
Karna 💜
WOW, You continue to amaze me. Your writing is incredible. You made me think of spirituality, Jesus, God, and humanity in a different way than I ever have. I too have a similar baseline that I live by.
" I want us all to be free, loved, and feel safe to exist. I want only the best for you AND me."
Thank you for your braveness in sharing truthfully from your heart where ever it guides you!