The feeling is unmistakable. Your stomach drops.
Anxiety creeps in.
How the F are you in this situation. AGAIN!
You were so sure it would be different this time.
We tend to speak about trust in relationships being super important.
Today, I want to talk about the importance of learning to trust YOURSELF.
Because let’s face it. It’s the bad bitch that stares back at you in the mirror each day that is creating the life you currently lead…
I’ll also share some thoughts that can help you to be less hard on yourself.
Let me ask you. Do you trust yourself?
Have you earned your trust enough that you are comfortable with the choices you’re making?
Are you trustworthy enough to be calling the shots of who gets access to you?
Your life?
Your energy?
Your money?
Your time?
I will tell you this. It wasn’t until recently that I could give an honest YES to this question. And I’m 37.
So what the heck was I doing for the last two decades?!
This: I was healing the patterns and trauma I carried from my childhood and ancestry.
As you probably know, our attachment style and default operating brain patterns are formed during the first three years of our lives.
Here’s a statement from Prenatal-to-3 Policy Impact Center:
“The most rapid period of growth for the human brain occurs in the earliest years of life. The structure and functioning of the human brain are determined not only by our genetics, but also by our interactions with other people and our environment, as the brain molds itself in response to the inputs it receives.
The brain is also the most plastic during this time; in other words, the brain is the most adaptable to the conditions it experiences during this period of life. Because of this plasticity, young children are especially vulnerable to the conditions in their lives and their interactions with key caregivers during the youngest years. Adversity during this time can have far-reaching consequences, but this time can also provide a window of opportunity to build the basis for lifelong resilience.”
Of course, what happened from 4-beyond is also important, and will be contributing to your ability to function as an adult.
If your first three years of life were challenging – including while in utero and your birth – then you will have developed a non-secure attachment that is pretty much running the show until you challenge it.
Here’s a graphic that shows some potential attachment style challenges you might have experienced in “The Life Cycle of Attachment”.
What’s wrong with me?
Some of the most challenging experiences of my life have been finding myself in a dysfunctional friendship, getting out of that friendship only to find myself in a similar situation later.
That led to thoughts like:
What’s wrong with me?
Why can’t I get my shit together?
Why do I keep doing this to myself?
I hate myself.
I hate my life.
I don’t want to be here.
And feelings of:
Shame
Stress
Pain
Anxiety
Doubt
Fear
In other words, pretty dang miserable.
The truth is, our parents were not “perfect” (there is no such thing). They might even have been downright abusive.
When you grow up in an abusive family, it severely impacts your ability to create functional relationships in the future.
Usually, some patterns are more pronounced than others. Those are the things that one might refer to as life’s “onion moments”.
The traumas/patterns/behaviors that you heal new layers of, that keep returning in your life.
So there you are. You find yourself in a relationship with someone who treats you poorly AGAIN.
Naturally, you will try to assign blame in this situation.
It could be something like:
I AM A LOSER.
THEY ARE AN ASSHOLE.
LIFE IS AGAINST ME.
The importance of perspective in building trust in yourself
We all need brain models to make sense of life. Otherwise, it can be easy to get stuck in the “Shame & Blame Game”. Which must be the worst game in the world, save this one:
Here are some perspectives that might be useful for those who want to get out of the Shame & Blame Game:
🚀 100,000-mile view:
There is a planet called Earth with people on it who are the continuation of thousands of dysfunctional and traumatized generations that came before them.
For millennia the people on this planet have been trying to gain certain things to feel “safe” one might say:
Different strategies have been employed to achieve this.
False safety: Trying to “win” by amassing control, power, and resources.
Real safety: Pursue healing/personal growth/enlightenment to be able to experience freedom, love, and the ability to exist in peace.
Or any mix of the two.
Mega simplified we can say: In the quest to win and have power, and due to the inherent vulnerability of childbearing and less physical strengths, the female and everything associated with feminine traits have been oppressed, abused, and belittled (this also applies to other, non-binary genders).
This has created a vast imbalance in our cultures that hurts everyone including the planet we live on. This imbalance is mass-producing hurt and traumatized people that have children, that in turn are likely to pass on those traumas to the next generation - author (and my mentor and friend) Bethany Webster calls this process of patriarchy getting passed from generation to generation “The Mother Wound”.
🛩️ 30,000 feet view:
Depending on where you live there will be political structures that are undermining or supporting your ability to thrive. Here in the United States, the hyper-individualistic focus that's pervasive has made many people believe that it’s up to the individual person to figure their own shit out and if you can’t, YOU’RE the problem. In my opinion, much of the challenges that plague us on an individual level are resting on a dysfunctional patriarchal system that is exploitative, toxic capitalist, and exists to please the shareholders over the citizens. I will not go too far down into this rabbit hole because it’s not my area of expertise but it’s remarkably sad to witness Americans complain about “all the lazy people who are taking advantage of the system - that’s why we can’t have ANY socialist systems” while the elite gets away with contributing very little (or even being abusive) to the collective wellbeing of the nation.
Here is my point with this section:
The playing field for humans is NOT equal and any assessments we make about “why do I do this” always needs to be answered in a bigger context.
It’s easy to echo the sentiment of my 6-year old daughter “that’s not FAIR!” when I think about the monumental task to heal personal trauma as an individual when the reality is that we got traumatized by a web of interconnected systems, structures, and experiences.
As we exhale and accept that we live on this complex and unequal planet it becomes clear that despite this place being wildly imbalanced and “unfair” – no one is coming to rescue us. Which then puts the responsibility to change our current situations squarely back on our own shoulders! You are the one that can change your situation. (Yet, this does not mean we should not strive for a more equitable and just society!).
Spiritual healing interlude:
Usually, when we get to this place in the healing process, we realize we can’t blame our parents or any one person in particular. Then, if we are religious or spiritual we might not see any other way than to denounce the presence of a God (Like Eddie Izzard speaks about here on the Swedish television show “Skavlan” ) OR we blame or curse God for being the biggest asshole of all time.
I’ll write more about where I’ve landed with this topic in future articles but for now, I say that I believe in God as the Love present in every moment and not as in an entity that interferes in human activity directly other than through the presence of Grace and Inspiration or simply put – as life itself.
🌼 6-foot view:
Here’s the good news:
What’s happening in your life is NOT YOUR FAULT. You’re not doing it wrong.
You are simply a human.
A human that’s designed to travel the full spectrum of human emotions and experiences with other humans. Good. Bad. Ugly. Scary. Fun…
You have the power to change your life and your experience of if.
But you have to do the exhausting and unglamorous work of personal growth and healing – which does include completely re-writing your story – or dropping the story altogether.
Here’s another (mostly) unshakable truth:
You can’t do this alone.
That’s another design function of a human - we NEED each other. Trust in life is broken in relationship TO something – a person or situation. And while only YOU can choose to learn to love – or accept – all of you, you are going to need relationships WITH other humans to learn to trust again. Same way with God (source, creator, divine, goddess, Gods) – your healing will happen in relationship with God and their creation.
And as you travel on the spiral of non-linear time, you will return to the hurt, broken, scared, and dark places over and over again.
And each time you enter that place and choose presence, forgiveness, acceptance and love, you will reap a new level of trust in yourself, others, and life itself.
PHEW, we went on quite the journey together. If you made it all the way here, congratulations and thank you for going on the ride with me. 🎢
I appreciate you, my fellow mysterious human!
Love,
Karna
🥂 Happy 20th Article Celebration!
OMGGGGGG!
I am so excited that I made it to my 20th article. This is a big deal for me as I’ve never been able to stick with any creative pursuit consistently in the past.
But the joy I’ve unlocked through writing has now sustained me for over 20 weeks!
Sending you oodles of love from my sweet two-day hotel escape in Ogunquit, Maine from my wonderfully predictable life as a mom of two.
✨I am so grateful that I get to share my life and writing with you. ✨
Please consider liking this post, commenting, or sending it to a friend.
Wohoo! Congrats on 20 articles, that's a massive milestone!! 🥳🙌 So excited to be on this unfolding journey ❤️
Also congrats on the 20th essay!