Earlier this week, my husband was away on a work trip in California, and I didn’t hear from him in the morning like I usually do.
I felt scared in my body that something had happened to him. This is relatively new for me… looking back, I see that I’ve blocked myself from allowing myself to feel that I am in love with him.
It sounds absurd when I write it. Of course, I’ve been in all sorts of relationships with men, but I have let precisely zero of them (you) into my heart, until now.
I have held a deep mistrust of men in my life. I one hundred percent understand why. I’ve been deeply fucked over by many penis people. I know the horrific statistics of what men do to women and children (and trans + queer people*!) I think it’s healthy to see what shit choices some men make on the daily. #notallmen
Now you might think this is a man-hating article. I assure you it’s not. But I don’t see why I should have to sugarcoat the reality of my experiences. I’ve been raped, swindled, abused, harassed, and robbed by men. I feel like I’m allowed to talk about that. It’s IMPERATIVE that we begin talking about the reality of our experiences. How else can we go somewhere new without acknowledging where we have been?
Anyway, back to that moment in the kitchen. I called my friend Charlotte, and she said that it was beautiful that I let myself feel my love for KB. And I fessed up to her:
“KB is the most important person in my life. I love him so GD much!”
“Wow,” she said. “That’s a powerful realization. You need to let him know how you feel.” So sniveling and crying, I called and told him.
This is a miracle.
Rewind to about six years ago, and I recall conversations where I told my girlfriends. “Something is off. I know I love KB, but I can’t feel it. I don’t know if it’s him or if I’m broken in some way…” it was super painful. To look at the father of my children, him with tears in his eyes and telling me he loves me so deeply and feeling… meh.
Guilty pleasure confession, for the last 20 years, I’ve loved watching crappy heterosexual dating shows. I get a lot of satisfaction from people using the word “blindsided” and “right reasons.” I used to watch the bachelor franchise, but I cannot stomach it anymore. My taste has become more sophisticated and evolved into Too Hot To Handle, and Love is Blind.
I cry when I see them let their guard down and let themselves be vulnerable, but that’s just on TV, right? I don’t have these issues. I’ve been happily married for 13 years. Except, I was exactly like the contestants, but I had channeled MY heart walls into keeping myself busy and being low-key critical of my husband instead of fucking people from my DMs. You know, different strokes for different folks, and so on and so on…(and scooby-dooby-dooby.)
So what changed?
There is one glaring shift I have made in my life, and that is facing my codependency.
Yuck, I don’t even like to write that word.
But, codependent I have been and a juicy supply for people with narcissistic trauma coping strategies I was. Men and women alike. Just come on in and take your fill. Heck, I would even make it a free refill for loyal customers.
So it turned out that my fat NO to participating in patterns that are not fundamentally built on give and take – kindness and respect, evolved into a big YES to love for myself which then morphed into me being able to receive my husband’s love.
HOW FUCKING COOL IS THAT!?
It might have taken me decades of work, but man, it has been worth it.
So today, before you 156 subscribers of this random Substack, I sing my unyielding love and adoration for a MAN called KB Nau. Persistent in his love, despite my subtle rejection of him for over a decade. He carried our love until I was strong enough to hold my side.
And for that, I am eternally grateful.
Real men who take full responsibility for themselves, who show up in their vulnerability and POWER, have the potential to heal this place so profoundly. I long for this expression of the masculine.
To all men in this world:
Dude. It’s time for you to show up. Take responsibility for your share. We yearn for your love and acceptance of yourselves. Some of you fucked up more than others. That’s ok. All humans do. Find a way to forgive yourself and those who have hurt your precious heart. We need you really bad. Come home.
Love 💜
Karna
P.S. I don’t have time to format this article this week, and my grammar is probably dismal 😂 . There’s just too much life happening in the hours of my days, between running my business, starting a new Instagram account about Alignment Marketing, where I post daily, supporting friends in need, solo parenting, and working on my new upcoming membership. Thanks for letting me share and be a messy human.
* If you live in America, I hope you’re paying attention to what’s happening to trans people’s rights. I just listened to a podcast with artist, analyst, and editor Beau Brink on Conspirituality Podcast, where he breaks down a lot of trans history and what’s happening right now. I highly recommend you listen in.
WOW. Thank you my love for you and your amazingness. I soo appreciate you! I love being your partner and watching you grow and shine!